A Mouse and a little Package

After yesterday's post I felt a lot better. I defined my options and got my priorities straight. Well I knew my priorities but it just really helps to write them down and read it. It kind of confirms everything, and I still need that.

Today I feel even better after talking with C. It's good to talk things through. I know all this is not easy for him either. How do you help a person that you can't help?

I haven't decided what to do yet. I will wait until I talked to D and P, who I don't expect to tell me what to do either but there are the only persons I can talk with about all this (without putting them in a weird position). After all I pay them to listen, right?

OK, honestly D is just the one I have to ask about possibilities with the medication and I would need a medical report from him in case I chose to take the option with the break from school. P has to listen.

Now to my day today.

        (photo credit)

I saw my first mouse on the subway today (eventhought a few minutes later it felt like a déjà vu). It was so cute, about 2cm long and brown, I wanted to take a picture but it was too scared of me and too fast. I know, not really interesting..


After work I ordered some books about PTSD on amazon. After the incidents with the calls a few days ago I just want to know more about it. I payed with credit card, so I checked my German account. I normally only have the money I spent with the credit card on it. But suddenly I saw that I actually had some money there I didn't know about. I checked the history and my parents transfered some money to my account and the transfer information says "Nikolaus and Christmas Money". This wouldn't be unusual if I still had contact to them, my sister and I always got some money for Christmas.

I was surprised but it didn't trigger my anxiety or anything. I guess because it wasn't a direct try to contact me. Or do I just need the money not caring where it actually comes from?

This made me think about the fact that I never asked my parents for any money and when they gave me some (mostly because they gave some to my sister and I saw it, so they had to give some to me too), I felt guilty and bad. I don't feel bad anymore. I won't transfer it back or anything like that. I have the right to take it. And to put some irony to that: They are going to pay my PTSD books. Sometimes justice comes in little packages from amazon..

I know it's too early to wish you a happy new year, but here in Austria (and also in Germany) we say "Guten Rutsch" the day before, what means something like get savely to the new year (literally have a good slip into the new year). So.. *Guten Rutsch!*