What can I tell you. I'm back at my old self. What triggert it? The feeling of being misunderstood leading to the feeling of something's wrong with me and I'm exaggerating.
Yesterday C called me in the night and it was as if we hadn't talked the day before. (He also called me on the day before) I feel that he doesn't understand why this is such a huge thing for me. He mentioned:"Let it go" (I won't comment on that one, most of you do know how that feels like) and that he thought that school was the most important thing for me. As if I would never have told him about what all of this is about. He thought and might still think that it's about the decision to either stay and finish school or taking the big step to move in with him. (Don't get me wrong this is also what I have to think about) I felt so misunderstood and it was a weird feeling to have to explain again.
I don't blame him, I mean he doesn't know. How could he.
I don't like writing about C and the conversations we have or the relationship but I don't feel like writing him because I don't think it would change anything. Maybe he would feel like I'm blaming him, or he doesn't understand again, what would only make me feel worse. And after all I opened the blog to have a place to put my feelings at. So there you go.
Now to my old self. As you might have already noticed, I feel misunderstood and I believe I'm crazy and irrational and that I'm making the situation bigger than it is. At the same time I know it's not but I'm not fighting it. That's my old self.
After the call I put up a wall around me, misunderstanding the 'let it go' and started repressing. I had the best night sleep since over a year. No nightmares, no dreams, nothing. I got up feeling nothing, had breakfast and went to work. I have little intention fighting against the numbness. Suddenly the thought of staying here and get through with school seems ok. Whatever.
I know this is very unhealthy. My old believe system is active and I believe that I'm exaggerating and I should just grow some balls and get through with it.
I'm sorry about this wall. Are you sure C understands fully well how you feel? Maybe he's trying to be the brave one and get you to fulfill your dreams.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. Your mind is conditioned through youe life experiences. its hard to break the habit.
ReplyDeleteIf I revert back to my old self I will be naked running through the streets screaming, "Is there a breeze in here! is there a breeze in here!"
It's not you. You have every right to feel what you feel. Try to tear down the wall but at the same time, you will need to find a way to keep yourself "safe". *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I know how it feels when misunderstood... when told just let it go. Our belief system is what is normal to us,new habits take very very long to take hold. Slides are normal too. Please be not hard on yourself.
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