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NO! No no no no no no no.. I don't want this!
I don't want to go back there! I don't want to feel numb. The last two hours I was sitting here at work and I wasn't moving a muscle. I wasn't able to interact with customers let alone give them a smile. I sat here losing myself again. And I don't want this.

Just because C doesn't understand it? I UNDERSTAND IT! Isn't that the important thing? You want me to explain it again? I will explain it until it starts growing out of your ears.
Looking back, I guess I needed that. I needed to get a glimps at how I felt a year ago, I needed it to confirm to myself that my mental health is the most important thing in my life.

I do feel like apologizing about the fact that I was hurt by the fact that C didn't understand. Good that I didn't send him an email.. that would end up being a Bad Brain Day again. Well it is.. but let's call it 'Bad Brain Hours'..
I won't delete the post that I wrote earlier today either. This is an honest blog and I wrote how I felt. And I know there was my old believe system talking being backed up by all the A.N.T's it could find.

So what does that show me? - I'm far from healthy.
What does THIS post show me? - I got so much better.
Do I want to risk that in any way? - NO.

Now to the options I have. I informed myslef about a few things and I see these options.

1. I stay here, working and studying.
    -Consequences:
I have to find a new place to stay in a shared apartment.
It will take a huge amount of strenght.
I will need months to get used to it, putting my recovery on hold maybe even for a year in case that I won't start to feel comfortable.
I will study.
I will work.

2. I stay here, working
   -Consequences:
I will have to change my contract from 20 to 30 or 40 hrs a week to earn enough money
to find a new place to stay, living alone. It's a job I don't care about.
It will take strenght.
I will get used to it faster, as I live alone.
I won't study but stay enrolled as a 'student' in University in order to keep on studying as soon as I get better and saved enough money to keep living alone.
I won't be able to see C for a long time, because of work and money.

3. I go and stop studying
   -Consequences:
I'm taking a big step starting to live with C.
I will live with the person I love.
I will have a home.
I keep on working on my recovery, searching a therapist there.
It will take strenght to get used to a new country and life.
I won't study.
I will have a work I like.
(I will likely have to stay until the 15th of February because of my contract at work)

4. I go and take an official break from my studies for 1 year with the permission from University.
   -Consequence:
I'm taking a big step starting to live with C.
I will live with the person I love.
I will have a home.
I keep on working on my recovery, searching a therapist there.
It will take strenght to get used to a new country and life.
I won't have to decide to stop studying for good right away.I can decide whether to go back and study, giving myself time. Then it w´would depend on my mental health, the
feeling of necessity and need to study and of course money.
I will have a work I like.
                    
These are the options I have. Now the question is what am I able to do? Where do I risk my wellbeing?

So now to my priorities (not including C because this is about my life as an individual):

1. mental health
2. independency
3. a work I like

I know, that's a short one but you have to see that everything else depends on my mental health.
That's why it is the most important thing.
I chose the word independency instead of studies because they aren't the only way of being independent.

I am moving towards doing one of those things. But I will not decide yet. I want to talk it over with C. I made appointments with D and P to have some professional insight in it. But in the end it's me that has to decide.
The most difficult part will probably be to shake off the "What will that or that person think of me?".

Well, thanks for listening.