Trying to clear the Mess in my Head

I know it might look exaggerating to some people, freaking out because I have to move again. Let me tell you it isn't. I haven't had a permanent place to stay at for the last 6 years. Everything was temporarily. And before that I lived somewhere I wouldn't call a home either.

All this was alright for as long as I was repressing everything. Repressing to forget, moving to the other side of the world. Moving back, then moving to England and back across the pond. Back to Germany and then to Vienna. And not even there it was a permanent stay. After  not even a year I moved across the pond again, where I also moved 3 times in 7 months. After that I moved uncountable times in Vienna itself.

Let me tell you, I'm tired.
I never felt comfortable anywhere. I didn't because I was carrying this huge baggage around with me, living with people that weren't good for me, without privacy or retreat. Constantly pretending. It was horrible to do that. I know that the reason I felt like that is that I was repressing everything.

Now I'm trying to repress as less as I can. I repress when I have to work or study. I repress when I have to go to classes or I'm having exams. All this is not healthy and I know that. That's why a place to live and feel comfotable in is so important. It's the only place and chance I get to work on myself, to focus on recovery and to let go. The place I live now wasn't a place I felt comfortable in right away. It took months to get there, if not a year. And the reason this was possible was that my roommate wasn't at home most of the time. I was as close to living alone as it's possible living with someone else.

I can't afford to live alone, because Vienna is expensive. That would mean I have to search a room in a shared apartment. Apart from the fact that I'm not able to pay any amount of deposit, it's already difficult enough to find a room here. But that's not really the point. In order to go through all this again, I would have to put my recovery on hold. I would have to repress everything again until feeling comfortable wherever I move to. What might take months again.

But again repression isn't difficult for me. I'm the master of repression, as my therapist P tells me in almost every session. As I repressed everything throughout my life, I'm very good at it. The hard part is to get out of that again. I just saw that about a week ago, when suddenly I felt bad but had no idea why. I was repressing my emotions because I had to focus on exams and work. Eventhough it wasn't for long I forgot how to get out of that repression cycle. It took a huge amount of strenght to see what I was doing as it was so familiar to me to repress my emotions.

So what if I do that not only for a few days or weeks, but months? I know this is what I would do, because it is the only way I can deal with this situation. I might fall back into my old behaviours. And what for? For a piece of paper telling me I graduated.
I know school is important, but is it more important than my mental wellbeing? I don't think so.
It's a pattern I followed all my life. I pulled together to get through elementary, high school and now university.

I know that right now I'm still too emotional and confused to make a decision. I am a mess. I didn't eat yesterday because I wasn't even hungry. I had a very short night eventhought I took a pill to sleep. Today I felt so bad in the morning that I went back to taking anxiety meds. This is not how I want to live just for graduating from school. I worked so hard to get better and I made huge steps foreward. I just don't want to risk that. So right now I'm thinking about moving across the pond to C, what I planned to do after graduating.

I said once that I absolutely understand people that quit their jobs in order to focus on recovery and their mental wellbeing. That's what one side of my brain says. The other one tells me how important school is and that I'm a failure if I drop out. I would feel guilty and worthless. Is that my old believe system? I'm confused. Then again. Stoping to study doesn't mean I won't ever study again. Vienna doesn't have the only university in the world.

I should give myslef more time to decide, but I also know that I won't be ok again until I know what to do. That's me. I just need to talk about it and sort things out in my head.
It's difficult becuase I'm not used to put myself first, I'm still learning.