One little Call

Yesterday in the evening I got a call. Since I stoped having contact with my family I always checked the number on the display before answering. It was a mobile number from Germany I didn't know. The person tried to call once again an hour later, but I didn't answer. Then I had a message on my voicemail. It wasn't a message as such, I guess the caller didn't notice that he/she didn't hang up after the call went to voicemail. I don't know why, but I just had to hear it. Well what I heared was actually just loud noise and a lot of voices, I couldn't understand a word and still have no idea who called me.

Anxiety kicked in the second I saw the number on the display. I hate the feeling I got. I forgot that I'm actually in a safe place and it was as if nothing changed during the last year. I know I should have just turned off my mobile after the first call, and after the first signs of anxiety hit me. But I couldn't. Suddenly I felt guilty again, guilty about not answering the phone, too guilty to turn it off. When I was about to hear the message on the voicemail I turned into this little anxious girl, the victim again. My anxiety was too high to control it, too high to reason with myself.

This showed me that there is so much more to work on. I felt as if I didn't make any progress. I still can't deal with this part. Maybe it wasn't even someone from my family. A thought that crossed my mind (and I guess that is something that only people who fight with anxiety can relate to) "You can't just call me from a German number!", being full of anxiety while thinking that. How severe must anxiety be to thing that? So I'm not able to get any calls from Germany at all. A whole country triggers my anxiety (exaggerating here..).

After the second call I turned off my mobile deciding it was the best for me. And I should have done that earlier. I was just too emerged in that anxiety-guilt-cycle that I couldn't do what was best for me. I'm trying not to blame myself for that because it all takes time. I couldn't turn it off after the first call because it surprised me and shocked me. After experiencing the anxiety I had calling my voicemail, I got it. I finally took care of myself. After that I tried to distract myself to get rid of the anxiety, because I knew that I couldn't get my emotions out in an healthy way while being so anxious.

When I decided to go to sleep and turned off the TV and the light it came out. I thought about the fact that a little phone call from someone (anyone) from Germany can trigger the anxiety that I felt all my life while living with my family. The anxiety I always felt getting an email or a call from them. The same thing I felt every time just before visiting them and then through the whole visit. The anxiety that only stoped after I told them to not contact me again. And it is still there. Still in me.

It scares me and gives me the feeling that I won't ever be able to get rid of it. I turned all the feelings that came up towards the ones responsable and again didn't fall into depression. This time I didn't only turn them against my parents that should have been the ones protecting and loving me. I directed them against my sister that should have been there as my bigger sister, instead of me being the big sister for her. Towards everybody turning away their heads, eyes and ears. I thought about the fact that nobody seemed to notice what was going on in my family. And I know that's impossible. Our house wasn't soundproof, my behaviour was obviously one of an abused child with severe depressions and anxiety. Someone should have noticed.

I thought about the fact that I never had a chance. A chance to be a child and to have a happy life. Being a child wasn't something that was taken away from me, it was something I never had. I never had the chance to have. As I think about it, it is so cruel. They never gave me a chance.

Everything I have now, the smiles the happyness and the love, is what I worked for. That's another thing that makes me sad and angry. After everything I went through now I have to fight and work for my happyiness. It's unfair. It's just so unfair.
I know that it is worth it and the anger will pass but I know it is good to be angry and that it's the right way to go. "Depression is only the anger turned towards yourself, instead of turning it against the ones responsable.", that's what I learned in therapy and since I turn my anger towards my abusers instead of suppressing it, I didn't get severely depressed anymore.

In the end I had to stop releasing my emotions because it was too much for me. I felt sick and just about to purge. So I tryed to calm myself down, took a pill to help me do that and fell asleep. Today I feel drained. And there is still something that wants to come out, I can still feel some anxiety (that did come up while writing this post). I'm still off until Wednesday so I'll try to relax and let myself feel. I know it's the best I can do and the feeling that I'm not doing any progress is wrong. I can't expect myself to be free of the anxiety that I felt for so many years in such a short time. I should be proud of the fact that I'm not just pushing it away and stop thinking about it. I'm working with and on it.
I'm trying.