That person just doesn't stop calling. Yesterday I got another call, again I didn't answer, of course. This time I turned off my mobile immediately after the first call. I was thinking about the fact that the caller doesn't leave a message or just sends me an SMS. I know that friends would do that. So this is weird.
I don't care who is calling me, even if it is somebody I'd like to talk to I'm not ready to take the risk of suddenly hearing a voice from my family. I'm so not ready for that.
So I had another bad evening with tears and anger. I felt really lonely and I was grieving the fact that I never was given a sense of basic trust. That I never got comforted and that I thought that I was unlovable for so long. The worst part is that there is nothing I can do to change that, nothing anyone can do to give me what I wasn't given. There is no amount of hugs and love that will make good for it. The only thing I can do is be there for myself and try to learn what wasn't given to me. It won't ever be the same, but it's all I can do.
Yesterday I saw how hard it is to deal with all that. Sometimes I only see little pieces of the whole trauma and I have the feeling I can deal with it, little by little. But then there are moments in which I see the whole extend of what was done to me and I have no idea how to deal with it.
In the night I had a lot of nightmares mixed with normal dreams and I woke up a lot of times. I feel sad today. I'm just glad that it isn't a depressiv sadness but it sucks anyway. I just have to keep believing that I'm doing another step right now. Just like the layers of the onion that makes me cry.
Firstly, I'm sorry my hand exercises tired me so much that I over-slept. I'm here now.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, MY FRIEND is NOT alone in this. Oh no. Put that phone on. I wish I could talk/bully on your behalf. It becomes easier to handle someone else' biggest issues because the fear isn't yours. Damn that I can't take those calls.
Thirdly, it's okay. YOU, my girl, are BRAVE beyond words. Not once more will you switch off the phone. You have two options- 1. Pick up the phone, stay SILENT and listen. They'll have to talk/disconnect soon because it'll get expensive. If they turn out rich and continue though, change your number. SIMPLE. Option 2. Pick up, listen, alter your voice and talk like a guy and say, "Wrong number" and tell them to stop calling you and bugging you while you're out on a date. Do it.
I am so agitated, I could type more, but I'm slower with the left. DO IT. Do it. Do it.