Yes, another Post..

I so need to talk to someone. But instead I'm at work fighting with anxiety, guilt and whatever more there is.
All I can do right now is write.
I feel sick and I haven't really eaten yet either. I have the feeling I have to puke any second and I'm on the verge of crying, anxiety pills or not.

There is one thought that just came up and doesn't let go. C once told me that he doesn't just want to be a 'way out' for me. A way to run from a situation or from myself. It was a completely justified statement, as I did that before, I actually did that all my life. L, my ex, was that. I used him to avoid to face the past and to not have to get help. I thought that all I needed was someone that loved me and I would be OK somehow. That's why I was with him. I never really loved him, I was just searching something that he could never have given me, my mental health. This was wrong and I feel ashamed of it. Yet I know that at that time I just didn't see any other way out. I didn't know what was wrong with me and I thought that I had to change and that I was the problem. So I felt obligated to change into whatever he wanted me to be. It wasn't an abusive relationship, the only one that was abusing me was myself trying to avoid to face my pain.

I don't want C to feel like that, because it's not true. I'm facing my pain and all I want is to get healthy and heal. He just happens to be the man I love. :)

I'm conscious about the fact that I have to deal with my pain, I have to face it and go through the process of healing. He is not the magical medication that will make me heal the second we live together. I know this and still I feel as if I shouldn't go there just yet. I wanted to be better, when I go to be with him. That was the plan: finish school and get better (maybe even not having to take my antidepressants anymore). If I go now, I'm scared I will feel like a burden to him. (Yes, as I'm writing this I know that it's all bullshit.)

Another thing is that I was running all my life as I described in my last post I was moving and switching countries all the time. And everything just to escape and avoid my pain.
When I leave now is it running again?
And yes, I also know the answer to that one as I write this. No, it's not. Iwouldn't be running from myself again. I would be leaving a situation that makes it impossible for me to keep facing the pain and deal with it.

AArrr.. I HATE it when I have questions like these and KNOW the answers but still beat myself up because of it. Because I might be wrong. Now I just need some affirmation that this is just my old believe system speaking.. I hate to be insecure about that.