A little confused.. but fine..

Alright... how do I feel?
The last week was really bad, I had a lot of pain,  most of it in my face and jaw. Lot's of foggy days.
Then yesterday it was a lot better. I slept until I woke up all by myself, no alarm beeping, just me wanting to get up.

I didn't have pain at all. I could actually do some washing and then I had a really nice day with C. We weren't really doing anything but we had fun doing nothing nevertheless.
I painted again.. can't put the picture here until I get my laptop back.. but I really like it, it's lighter than the others I painted til now.
OK, I misjudged the strength of the sun and got burned really bad on my shoulders, while washing my clothes. My ears too actually.. :D It looks funny.. if you don't have to feel it..

So I had a bad night because of the sunburn. Woke up with the alarm again and the pain came back today in the evening. Not as strong, but it is there. Plus I feel like I'm burning up.. I feel really stupid for not putting on sunscreen right now.. but can't change what happened. So I really do deserve that burn.

Apart from that.. I feel... fat.
I mean, I'm not. I know I'm not but I feel so fat right now. I have been eating again without feeling hungry. I tend to do that if somebody else is eating or offering me something. I just eat without being hungry. It's not as bad as it was but well I just didn't take care of myself for a few weeks.

I know that isn't a problem, normally. But I had problems with that before. It's really not healthy for me to eat just because somebody else is eating. With somebody else I mainly mean C. It's not healthy because I don't listen to what my body wants and doesn't want anymore. I stop feeling hungry, so I have no clue when to eat. That's the important thing for me. I had problems with eating disorders, meaning I had times when I ate all day long anything that I could get my hands on and then I had times when I just ate an apple a day. All that because I was eating when somebody else was eating and then my body wasn't satisfied without having real meals but eating all the time. And that's how I feel now again. Not having any real meal times. Feeling full and fat, because my body is confused..
I have to get some routine in that again. My routine not someone elses. Eat when I'm hungry. And eat healthier.. just better. Get back to cooking for myself and have a good breakfast in the mornings.

I also had some nightmares again lately. Well it's one that I actually remember.. and not that well.
I was there and my father was there too. I just remember him touching me. Touching meaning normal touching at first and then it felt sexual.. eventhough where he touched me wasn't really sexual. Or was it? I'm really confused about this. I had a lot of those dreams about this topic, I mean, before. It is always him touching me or me being afraid that he would touch me. I'm so scared in these dreams. And the fear feels so real. After a dream like this there is always the same question popping up in my head. Did he ever touch me inappropriately?
And the only answer I can think of is No, he didn't. I don't remember him ever touching me inappropriately. But what if I just forgot it. Just like I forgot the sexual abuse when I was 8?
Why else would I have dreams like this full of fear and disgust?

I already mentioned that. I was always scared of him coming into my room while I was changing or coming out of the bathroom. Why? I don't know. I don't know when it started but I always dressed in the bathroom or was in a real hurry to get dressed, always listening to the sounds around me being really alert.
I'm confused...