How hard can it be?

Alright I just had a little talk with myself.

I knew that the security of the house wasn't the only thing going on..
I've felt depressed for a while now. Plus I felt unsecure again, about C mostly. Reading things into his behaviour and so on..

I am in the office, and I just couldn't stay seated anymore. I had to get up. It was as if this lion was walking up and down in his cage inside of me and was just about to burst out of it. And we all know what happens then.. I will get totally irrational and just have another of this crying and needy weird episodes..

So I went to the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror, pacing up and down.. kicking the wall. Until I finally could talk to myself to figure out what the hell was going on.

During the last weeks I had a lot of stress and then after the stress settled I was in a kind of paralyzed state. First I had a lot of pain so I wasn't really doing a lot, what is absolutely fine and justified. But then after the pain got less I somehow stayed in that state. I was planning to clean the house for a while now and never did. I just kept on not doing anything except going to work. I got up late, really late because I felt I just couldn't get up earlier. Everything was so hard to do. I didn't do anything for myself. I was painting, yes but I wasn't getting back to the plans I actually had. I wanted to start going swimming.. remember? Plus I stopped going to therapy a few weeks ago. And I still owe A about a 100 Dollars. Which I can't afford to pay her. I want to get a new therapist, but I can't pay that one either and I don't want to start going to another one before paying A.

I do have that money but my laptop will cost more than that and I just can't pay both. So I prefer to pay the repair first and then A. She did tell me to come by and pay a while ago and I told her I would, but I just didn't. She only has my cell phone number, not my address and so she will have to wait until I go there to pay her. I do hate when people do that but now I am doing that too.. It's not that I won't pay her, I will.. just not yet..

Anyway went a bit off topic there..
So, I promised to myself that I will GET ACTIVE. Not spending my days sleeping and then at work. I need some fun. I need  to enjoy something..
I just get misserable not taking care of myself. I NEED TO GET MY BUTT MOVING!

It is so much easier to not do anything. I just need to do things!!
Why is it so hard?.. Oh yeah.. I'm depressed.. Forgot about that ;)

OK, doing more efford from now on.. (seems like I said that before..)
And what I actually want to write is: 'I will try to do more effort'.. aaaaaaaaaaaah
Can somebody just come and get me moving??
How hard can it be?? (We all know the answer to that one..)
Still, how hard can it be???!!