So the mYstery of my mood yesterday is solved. During the last weeks I was busy studying and I was in a lot of pain. I had no time or energy to take care of myself. I didn't have therapy and I didn't have any time for myself. I couldn't listen to anything that bothered me, my nightmares and whatever was going on in my head and heart. I was doing what I did all my life, suppressing it. It was necessary in order to cope with the pain and to be able to study, but it was bad for me.
Now that most of my exams are over and I feel better physically, all the bottled-up emotions wanted to come up at once. The difficult thing is to recognize what is going on, when you only feel that something is not right. The only thing I felt was that I was overwhelmed by everything. Logically. I tried to deal with my present emotions what was impossible because I still had all those bottled-up emotions left rumbling inside. So, even thought I examined and tried to deal with my present emotions after sorting them out I still felt bad.
After recognizing that I bravely (it was really hard, so I give myself a lot of credit for that :)) opened up and felt as much as I could cope with.
It was another moment of hot, real and pure anger that I couldn't let out during the last weeks. It was exhausting but so relieving. I cried and directed my anger towards the right persons. I didn't get depressed, I let it all out. I felt drained and sad afterwards, and I still feel like this now (so I decided to skip my first class and only attend the one in which I have a mid-term today). I'm not sure if I let all of it out. Maybe there is more to come.
I totally understand people that quit their jobs to go to therapy and go through the process of recovery. It is hard and unhealthy for me to repeat my mistakes and destructing behaviour in order to be able to work and study. But I don't have another choice, that's the way I have to get through it.
I'm glad I can now see what I'm doing, if not in the moment then at least before I totally break down.
I really respect every word in this post. You understand yourself so well, it's cool! I like that you treat yourself like your own best friend and write things in positive light. I recognize that because I've been doing that in true earnest for me, too. Go Andrea! This rocked!
ReplyDeleteI can relate so very well! Awareness might be the first step and I stuck there very long. It took quite some time to figure what is wrong a bit more timely. By now between situation and awareness it isnt days to weeks anymore but rather hours.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you are done with most of oyur exams and have some time for yourself. Yes, Vienna is beautiful and I am even more glad to hear from you again as I strated to get worried a bit.
Paula xxx
Vers L'arc en ciel