Wishing

I stayed at home on Thursday. I thought it would be a good idea to have a day for myself, go grocery shopping and well like that get used to living here a little more. Of course I also wanted to check how I was and do some self-parenting because I felt that I needed it.

Well, I just went shopping, cleaned the house and then I tried to relax. No self-parenting there eventhough I felt that I really needed it. It was not a bad day and I'm not saying that it was wasted.
But then yesterday I felt that bad that I went home early and had a PTSD- moment (I'll call it like that from now on). I cried a little and did some self-parenting. I felt better after that but then in the night when C came home it got worse. I don't know what it was, well yeah I do know..
It's not only that C is a mayor trigger, it's also that I compare myself with him. And then I start to wish I could relax as easy as he does. Or just feel however the day makes me feel without mayor intervention from the past. I know this is not healthy because I am not him. I am not a 'normal' person.

It just makes me so sad that I am unable to just take life as it is every day and just let things be. It made me so sad that I started crying really hard. C was already asleep at that time and first I didn't tell him anything. Then I asked him to hug me and just be there for me, but he just kept asking 'What's wrong?'. Well good question.. I just couldn't tell him in that moment because it was not only the comparing and the fact that I am feeling so not normal. It was also because I had a mayor brain overload. There was just too much going on in my head. And I frankly didn't want to talk about it, because I knew where it would have led to. He would have told me to stop crying and that these thoughts are just stupid and not true. What is true obviously, but the thing that he doesn't understand is that it is AUTOMATIC. I am fighting against that every single day and all day actually. Then he told me: 'Nothing is worth crying so bad'. Well, yes there are things that are worth crying like this. I greif for something that I never had. I also got really angry and I wanted to scream. There were just too many emotions surfacing. And yes I NEED TO LET THEM OUT.

So keeping him away from my PTSD is not working, obviously. The thing is that he also things that just giving me a hug is not enough, so he doesn't. Yes, he is a guy and what he is used to is solving problems. I told him that he can't solve that one but he still doesn't get it. He even gets frustrated and well he told me that I don't think HE can help me. Or I don't even think he can. What is probably not a nice thing to feel being a man. I know he doesn't mean that in a bad way, but when I am already in that struggle I really can't handle to hear things like that. One of the things he said was when I asked him to hug me was: 'What for?'. Or when I told him that is actually the only thing that he can do and that it does help me a lot he got really angry? frustrated... I don't know. But he said that I would just use him as a pillow or something like that. It felt like an accusation and made me feel so much worse. However, I do know that that was just the frustration speaking.

In the end he did hug me and was there for me. And oh wonder.. I calmed down really really fast. I also see that it is not the 'optimal' process of dealing with my PTSD. The ideal way is to actually calm down myself through self-parenting and being there for me. I am trying to figure out how to do that when C is home. It is really difficult to do that because there is the man I love really close to me so I automatically seek his comfort. And as I was never comforted it is hard to not have that need emerging in those moments.

I also have to do something against that constant brain overload. My problem is that I register every little move, sound and gesture of the people around me, especially the ones I care about, so C. It drives me crazy because I don't stop at registering them, I interpret them, value them and when I don't know what that just meant panik arises. I hate it. I wish I could just stop. You know these people that are so concentrated in something, like reading or writing a blog ;) that they don't hear or get anything that is going on around them? I wish I could do that. Now for example I am writing this post, hearing C giving English classes, I know exactly where that student is sitting in the room and I register every move they make in there. There is another class in the room just behind that one and I can also hear whenever they move, laugh or cough. So my brain is not just concentrated on writing right now it is also hearing every word of the class. And not just hearing I LISTEN! I just want it to stop.

Another thing I discovered is that I automatically expect a certain reaction from C. A bad reaction to whatever I do, just as I learned it as a child. I sometimes am automatically picturing him getting really mad and hitting me. I know.. he would never do that, but still I can't stop my brain from picturing it automatically. I know.. that is typical PTSD and I shouldn't blame myself for it. Still it bothers me a lot.

When all this gets too much, like yesterday I feel as if I will never be OK. When I woke up today I still felt PTSDish. I still feel like crying and I'm not relaxed at all. That is also because of the fact that I didn't let all of it out yesterday and that I didn't really look behind all that because I let C comfort me. Again that's not a bad thing it is the greated thing there can be when I feel like that, but it is not getting rid of the emotions bottled up. Making sense?