Inner Alarm

My inner alarm also went off on Saturday afternoon (referring to Paula's comment).. I was still not feeling well and I started crying really bad again becuase I realized how much pain there still is in me and how many many things I still have to process. I felt powerless and I just let as much out as I could.

C was playing music for a while and when he asked me if I wanted to go out later I told him that I couldn't.. and well, the whole explanation thing started from the beginning. This time I kept calmer and tried to explain it again. I never really told C what my childhood actually looked like, so he asked me about it. He was kind of comparing it with his childhood and then he saw it. Before that the only thing I told him was that I was abused. Not very precise. So after I told him examples and details I think he understood.

Further on I told him how hard it is for me that it's affecting him. I mean we haven't really be out on the weekends since I'm here. I cry a lot what maked him feel powerless and frustrated. I told him how much I would love to actually enjoy the weekends, going out and that it hurts me even more when I see him affected by my PTSD.

On that day I also saw that I really should start a therapy here. It is just too much to take on alone. So today I made an appointment with a psycologist. I called three and she sounded the most like a good therapist.. maybe you know what I mean?
Anyway her office is in a school that does post-graduate programs in psychology, so I have a good feeling with it.. but I may be wrong so we'll see..