A Lot in a Little

Alright that was a weekend..
First of all I have bad news.. the cats are gone. On Saturday in the morning I checked on them before going to work and in the evening when I got home they were gone. The cat just took them to another place. C said that she does do that sometimes but usually she waits until they are a bit older. I wonder if she felt too disturbed by my curiousness..

On Friday we went to a friends house (C's friend as I'm not having any here yet). It was a nice evening and I had fun. The problem was that we stayed until 3am and it was already 4 when we got home. I had to get up at 9am on Saturday and that was just not enough sleep for me. After that I had to teach a 4 hour german class, half way through it I started jawning and I couldn't seem to stop that anymore.
At the time we went home I was so exhausted and tired that I got very irritable. I don't know how to describe it. I couldn't go to bed, I couldn't sleep. I felt depression and A.N.T's coming up and this time I had no way to fight them, I was just too tired to deal with it. So what I did was getting really needy. I knew that if I would be alone now I would have a whole bunch of emotions coming up and I felt too weakened for that. I started crying and told C to stay with me. However I didn't tell why and didn't explain what was going on so for him that was a mistery and me making a big thing out of nothing. Anyway I calmed down fast but when he started to do something else the thoughts came back and I started crying again. I didn't tell him that I was crying because I didn't want to disturb him. Everybody needs to distract themselves, relax and just do something fun, especially on the weekends, so I knew I would have felt too guilty if I would have 'disturbed' him.

Anyway after a while he did see that I was crying and he asked me what was wrong and tried to chear me up. Well I think you know that when you are there you can't really be cheared up. We ended up talking about the whole PTSD processing, crying, emotion- thing again. He never really understood why I had to cry, why it is good for me to get through all this to get better. There was a lot of 'just let it go' and stuff like that during that conversation what made it really hard for me to keep it going. In the end however he did accept that this is how I will be from time to time. It is hard for him to see me like this. I think the thing that made him understand was the word 'processing'. I have to process everything that happened to me what means mostly the memories that carry all those emotions. I'm not sure if I will have to hear 'just let it go' again or if I have to keep explaining but for now I hope he does understand.

I didn't sleep a lot during that night either, because C had to get up early and he woke me up. I wasn't able to go back to sleep. he asked me in the morning if I wanted to go to hos friend's house again (we went on Friday) and as I did have fun going there I said yes eventhough I was very tired. On our way to his friend's house I suddenly saw that we were going in another direction. I asked where we were as I don't know the city that well and he told me he was actually waiting for thta question. He said that he just wanted to say hi to a friend that was working there. So until then I was fine. After saying hi to his friend he drove just a few blocks further and stopped in front of a house. As it was not the house of the friend we went to on Friday I was confused and asked him where we're actually going. It turns out he forgot to tell me that we were going to another friends house as it was his birthday.

I ´don't know if a 'normal' person would have a problem with that, but I do. I was totally cought by surprise and I was hurt. I wasn't asked if I wanted to go see that friend. I had no chance to actually decide if I wanted to be there. Suddenly I was there. I felt manhandled. To go somewhere and be somewhere are the two things that I can actually influence. There are so many things that I can't influence in my life right now that these two are very important for me. I also kind of have to prepare myself before going somewhere. Also something that C didn't see the importance of. He told me that that wasn't a big deal at all. Well I made him understand that I like to make my own decisions. The other thing about preparing to socialize he wouldn't have understood anyway. It took a while for me to get 'stable' again. The night was very boring and I didn't really like most of the people there but the food was good though. We left early because I was still having a headache from the lack of sleep and C got one because of the smell of gas that came form the grill.

On the way home we got stopped by the police. We didn't go too fast or do anything wrong. To wrap it up.. he wanted money. It's the one thing I probably always will have a porblem with. You can't trust the police here. OK, I don't think that all police officer here are corrupt.. well actually I do believe that. he stopped up because we both are not mexican and well he wanted to have a discussion with us so that in the end we would pay him something to not get the license plate taken away (what they do to guarantee you paying the parking tickets or stuff like that). Anyway as C didn't make trouble and told him to well just take it, he let us go. Felt really safe here ...

When we got home I gave C a massage to get rid of his headache, what did actually work. But after about 15 minutes my left hand started to hurt and I saw that on of my veins was swollen. I couldn't move my wrist anymore and I thought the vein would break any second. For a minute I didn't know what to do and panicked. Then I remembered and went to the bathroom to put some cold water on it and asked C to bring me some ice. I had that pain in my veins before but it never go that bad and swollen. It got better after a while and today it does still hurt but only when I carry something with that hand. It'll be OK. I try telling myself that it's a vein and of course it still hurts it's delicate and it needs time to get better..
Maybe at that point I should mention that I have the Raynaud Syndrom and that my veins are normally fu** up. My blood flow is often disturbed and I have toes (and in the winter fingers) that change colour and I can't drink cold drings when it's cold and hot drinks when it's hot or in the morning or night. A complicated thing sometimes but the good thing is that I feel what my body needs in terms of cooling it down or warming it up. Anyway, it does still hurt now but it's better.

In the night I could finally sleep longer and I got up at around 1pm today. My headache is almost gone. I do feel a little unstable and in need for a little self-parenting what I will do later in the evening.