Unpacking

I'm having a hard time adapting, I admit that. I just want to have a routine already, I feel a bit lost right now because I don't have a lot to do. At the same time I haven't really packed out my bags, well just a little. Thing is that C didn't really make some room for me, so I have to do that myself before unpacking. Does that desturb me, a little yeah. I know that he had no time at all to do that and there is no problem with me doing it. It's just one of the things that are difficult for me I guess. I think it's the perfect metaphor.. I have to find my space and make room for me not only for my clothes but also for myself. I don't jut mean C with this, it's everytrhing.

I have to adapt to everything, food, living, people and so on. Doing that while being overly sensitive because of the imbalance that I feel right now is hard. I'm trying to do it and I want to do it without stressing or pressuring myself but I can't. I automatically pressure myself,, telling myself: I should have done that and that already, how come it is so hard for me to do that?, oh just pull together and do it, what's wrong with you?
I expect too much of myself and I know it. It's just hard to feel lost and I want it to be over.

That's what I've always done, swallow whatever I was feeling and 'adapt' to whatever situation I had to. The thing is that I then never really adapted to anything. I always felt wrong. Something was never right, I was only pretending to be OK and adapted, but I actually was not. I never faced the emotional side of it. What do I feel about adapting? What is so hard and why? How can I make it easier for myself? How can I adapt and at the same time take care of myself?

So I want this to be fast but at the same time I'm scared of it being too fast. I don't want to step on my feelings just to walk faster. I just feel lost. I have been in situations like this before and I never got to feel any better. So now I'm sacred that I won't be able to feel good now. I know that's bullshit because I've come a long way and I know I can do it but the fear is there and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Now I started crying. Maybe it's best to let it all out now.