Nice Birthday Day

I had a nice birthday yesterday, probably the first ever. Eventhough I got a bladder infection in the morning and had to go to the mexican red cross to get some medical attention. That's just my luck..
C got out of work earlier and we went out to eat. He asked me what I would like to do for my birthday and I had no idea what to tell him. I actually had to ask him what people normally do on that day.

And at first I did have A.N.T's or better said automatic negative feelings. I felt guilty about C getting out of work early, I thought that I wasn't worth it and that it is a bother for him that he has to go out and eat with me because it is my birthday. I told him and after a while I just decided to enjoy it, pushing that negative feelings and thoughts away.

It is amazing how my childhood conditioned me to feel worthless and a bother to everybody just like that, automatically. The thing is that whenever my parents did anything for me, what didn't happen very often, they made me feel guilty about it afterwards even if they were the ones that suggested it in the first place. So now I automatically feel guilty even before somebody does something for me. I am still surprised when somebody is nice to me. I guess it will take a lot of time to get rid of that. Anyway after I talked to C about it and I decided to enjoy it, I had a great time.

So now I am actually already able to get past those feelings. Until then I could never get past them and they stopped me from enjoying anything. I am grateful about that and I know it is a big step.

Apart from that I feel kind of bad today, I have pain and a huge headache, I think the weather is changing. I also couldn't get out of bed today. I just feel really tired and weak, so I postponed the therapist search again.. I know that all sounds like an excuse, but I just don't feel strong enough to get through that search yet. I want to unpack my bags first (yeah I didn't do that yet either..) and feel physically alright. I will definitely search a therapist because I know how important it is for me to go to therapy. So I have no worries that I won't do it, I just pressure myself too much.. and want it all to be done now.