Christmas

I had another nightmare last night. I don't remember a lot of it but the worst thing about it was that just before I woke up I had the feeling that my parents were outside of my room. I heared their voices and I didn't want to get up because of that. It was one of the delutional moments I sometimes have just before totally waking up.

It's hard to describe the feeling. I'm scared but not really, it's more an uncomfortable feeling mixed with a bit of anxiety. It was exactly the same feeling I always had when being in the same situation in 'real life'. I already talked about this here. About the anger and the uncomfortable feeling that came up every time I heard my parents voices. I couldn't or still can't (?) stand their voices, the way they talk, scream or even breath. I was disgusted by every move they made, their smell, their clothes. I even avoided to hang my jacket next to theirs in the hall. I freaked out whenever one of them, or my sister used my hairbrush. I avoided being in the same room with them. Like normal families they did want to spent time with me, but I just couldn't. I sometimes sat in the room next to the one they were in to be there but not too close.

It was always like this not just with my parents but also with my grandfather. There is a picture that showes me that this was always like that. I was 3 or 4 years old and it was Christmas, so my grandparents visited us on the evening of the 24th like every year. In Germany it is tradition to have a nice meal in the evening and then the presents are openend. As I mentioned before my parents wanted to appear as the perfect functioning family to others and Christmas more than anything. My parents are very religious or at least they think they are, but that's another topic. Anyway.. Therefore Christmas was very important for them. On Christmas everyone should be happy, greatfull and nice to each other. I always felt like on another planet. I had to buy them presents, to make them 'happy', had to spent time with them throughout the holidays.

There was no chance for me to hide, because no excuse worked. It was Christmas the time that a family should spend together. There was nothing we could talk about, but the important thing for my parents was that we were all in the same room. I often asked myself how is it that they didn't see that there was no family-feeling there. None of us really wanted to be there. It was just what you should do. So back to that picture..On the 24th there were always two additional protagonists in that play, my grandparents. My grandfather is having his arm around me in that picture, or at least he is trying to do so. Because I am trying to wriggle myself out of that. How else could I have reacted? Living all year long in a hostile environment and suddenly for a few days a year they played happy family. What child wouldn't get confused?

The worst part of Christmas were the presents. I never wanted any presents, I was never happy about anything I got. I had no wishes, no expectations and never felt anticipation. But yet I had to say thank you to everybody. Thank you. What for? It was horrible for me to do that. I had to go to every single family member, give them a hug and say thank you. Sometimes I even had to let them give me a kiss. It was horrible, uncomfortable and I just wanted to throw up. That may sound weird to some of you but I felt mentally and physically violated. And when I didn't do it I was a bad child.

In later years I went to a thing called 'Heiliger Morgen' (Holy Morning) in the next town. There was nothing holy on that morning. There were 'Glühwein' and hot punch stands spread throughout the town center and my sister and me went there and get drunk. The 'Holy Morning' started at 9am and ended at 12pm, at 11am we were already really drunk and my father picked us up. He didn't care about the fact that we were drunk because we were both over 18, so in Germany old enough to drink. That helped a bit to get through the day. And instead of spending the evening with the family until it was time to go to sleep we went to a club later. Don't get me wrong, that was better but it was not a nice Christmas.

I never had a nice Christmas. I'm not religious but I really like Christmas, not as I experienced it as a child but as a time you spend with people you love. Practically religious holidays are the best opportunity to do so because they are almost everywhere at the same time. I love all those lights that are being put up all around the city, and of course Christmas markets. Roasted almonds, sweet chestnuts and 'Glühwein'.

I know that some day I will have a nice and happy Christmas. This year I will be alone here in Vienna, because all of my friends are going home for Christmas. Last year it was the same and I ignored Christmas, I only went to one Christmas market to meet some friend to drink some 'Glühwein' before they left and then I just stayed at home and avoided anything related to Christmas. This year I will try and enjoy this time of year. I will visit every single Christmas market in Vienna and eat as many Christmas cookies and other things that are only available during this time as I can. Well, I hope I will do that.. If I feel it gets too much for me I will stop, of course.