I went to the exam on Wednesday but I failed it, I don't have the result yet, but I already know that I failed. That's fine because I can do it again and I only went there for my ego anyway. I invested too much time to not go and I needed to feel a little normality. One thing that I hate when I'm in so much pain - except for the pain of course - is that I feel disabled. Everything I do is so slow and I'm very weak. And of course I'm clumsier than ever. I'm always hungry because my body needs so much energy and of course I lose weight, so the good thing about all this is that I have to eat fast food and chocolate to not lose too much weight. Yes, you can hate me :D
Along with all this come the psychological issues. The fact that I feel disabled and weak triggers my old believe system and I'm in danger to feel worthless. Thoughts like: Who would want to be with me?, I'm a total faillure.. and so on. I know that's all bullshit but being in pain for so long makes me feel like crap. I didn't laugh or smile for a while and I'm a person that normally laughs and smiles every day. As a child I didn't, so I feel taken back to that time. The problem is that the pain concentrates in my jaw, so smiling is not something that is really easy for me right now.
I feel a bit detached from the world. I have to concentrate on walking, to not be run over by a car and to not slip in the snow, so I don't perceive anything that goes on around me. Staying at home is not the best I can do either. As I'm not sick as such, I'm getting bored, but on the other hand the pain doesn't let me concentrate on anything interesting like reading. Writing is better but I'm getting weak after a while. So now I will eat some chocolate cookies and watch some booring TV. The week is almost over so I hope the pain sticks to the 'plan'. :D
Love from my heart to yours. If you allow I would love to give you a hug. I know the jar pain. I clenched so tightly that for many months I had headaches! This dissociative moments I knew too well. Nearly got run over, nearly burnt the kitchen and searched for my cellphone till the fridge strated ringing. It took me awhile to accept that this is actually an "in-built" protection of my soul. To much is to much! And my soul shuts down letting me concentrate on the most essential things. Dear One, please be kind to yourself. And I give you my strength till you feel better. Paula xxx
ReplyDeleteI hope that you feel better soon. Yes, I think it is unfair that you get to eat all the chocolate cookies and not worry, I am jealous. I even look at chocolate and I can feel my pants get tighter...lol.. Please take care of you.
ReplyDeleteYou're back!!! And yes, I am envious of your diet!!!! At least my bum is! The microwave just beeped; meaning my oatmeal is ready. :D But I'm getting there too. I'm treating myself to a double burst cheese pizza in a week's time. It's going to be a milestone event! ;)
ReplyDeleteAre you loving the cookies? I've seen so many cookie recipes online lately. I'm tempted. Christmas coming up is making me happy.
I love the smileys in your posts. :) :)