Obsessive Neglect

When I decided to start a blog, I wanted to write about whatever came to my mind to be able to express myself even thought there was nobody I could talk to about those things. I had the need to be heard and the need to get it out of my head in some way without burdening anyone with it. I wouldn't tell any of the things I'm writing about here to anyone, except C. But as I don't want him to feel burdened or in the position that he has to help me or anything impossible like that, this is a less personal but effective way to help me cope. Like this I don't force (might not be the right word..) anyone to read, respond or react in any way.

I don't know why I suddenly felt the need to explain myself like this. OK, I probably do know. I want to write about something I'm embarrassed about, even thought I know it is not my fault.

My parents didn't only abuse me in a physical or neglect me in an emotional way, they did also neglect me in another way. For them they were good parents, sending us to school, nourishing us and giving us somewhere to live. So for a long time I thought that except for the physical and psychological abuse I had everything I 'needed'.

A few weeks ago in therapy I discovered that there was more neglect than I realized. My parents didn't take a lot of care of our personal hygiene. Not that we didn't wash or anything like that but.. how can I explain that.. It was always just a quick wash. No shower or anything like that. We didn't have a shower, just a bathtub with a shower head that wasn't attached to the wall. We weren't allowed to take a bath very often because my father was obsessed with not spending too much money, and water costs money. I was 15 when I showered for the first time in hospital.
We didn't stink or anything like that, people would have noticed. I never thought of it as neglect because I didn't know that people actually showered every day. But as P says it was definitely neglect.
That's probably why I love to shower now. (Just wanted to mention that I do shower every day now :))

I don't think that my parents did that on purpose, I don't even know if they knew that people actually do shower every day. I don't know if this was motivated by the way they were raised and they just didn't know better, or if it was my father being paranoid about spending money. It could be both.

My father was very paranoid in a lot of ways. One of it was the money and of losing his job (that he had forever and it would have cost the company a fotune of compensation to get rid of him). I remember that he had (probably still has) a folder in which he records every single cent they are spending. Don't get me wrong I do that too in a non-obsessive way I guess a lot of people do that to coordinate their money and to be able to plan for e.g. travelling to the other side of the pond :). But he did that in a way that could freak you out.

'Normal' people have general groups on their charts, like: Groceries, Phone+Internet, Clothes, Rent.. and so on. My father was a bit more specific. He devided for example groceries into the different kinds of food, so he spent 2 Euros on a bag of apples, 1 Euro on a chocolate bar.. and so on. And he did that with everything. So everything he couldn't control in the same way, for example the water we used while showering or taking a bath freaked him out. It's very easy to teach your child to use little water, just don't tell it that there is something like a shower. I didn't dare to take a bath because he would scream at me or hit me for it. We did get pocket money, little but we did because that's what everybody did. The thing is that they hated giving us pocket money, so they complained about it all the time instead of not giving us anything and shut up. I never asked them for any money, so why give it to me and complain about me being a bad child costing them money?

As soon as I could I got a job, I guess I was around 10 when I got my first job. I was babysitting, delivering papers and all those things. My sister did that too, but she also always spent her money and then asked my parents for more. I don't understand why she did that, she always got into trouble because of that. To this day she still askes my parents to help her out whenever her account is overdrawn, so all the time. I could be jealous of that, my parents bought her all her clothes and everything else. That doesn't really fit together I know.. here is a little explanation how that worked: my sister asked for money, my parents got mad, they screamed at each other for a loong time, they fighted, screamed more and then my parents gave her what she wanted along with more screaming and insults I don't want to repeat.
She turned into a little version of my parents. Same character (except for the obsessive saving), same way to express herself, an angry and abusive person.

Did I mention that I'm glad that I'm different?
As hard as this was for me I learned early how to deal with money, how to save and I learned to be independent and responsable. That  are the positive things that came from that.
There some negative things that I'm working on. It is very hard for me to accept money from somebody else. I don't like to be invited all the time, because it gives me a feeling of being dependant and more than anything I still have this fear that the other person is paying but hates me for it and will start insulting me any minute. I know that this doesn't happen but I try to avoid those situations anyway. It is better when I'm with somebody I trust but from now and then it surfaces to get some air.