What Mr. Rorschach knows about me..

Therapy was interesting today. I got the results from my Rorschachtest, some are true and some are false. Let's start with the things that are true.

My sense of basic trust is nonexistent. Well where would that have come from? The sense of basic trust is the sensation you should get from your parents. It's also called unconditional love, that you recieve as baby and that should be there guiding you through your childhood. It is the basis for the ability to trust others and also plays a role in building self esteem. Short: It is the basis for everything.

Connected to that is that it is not easy for me to have an emotional connection to somebody. There is a huge wall build up around me that you have to take down first, but once you have, it is not going to be in your way anymore. What can I say.. until now there are very few poeple that made it through, some are not entirely through yet and may never make it.

Additionally I cut off my emotions as if they would belong to another me. Obviously I have to do that or else I would 'feel myself' (like P put it) all the time and wouldn't be able to do anything else. I would feel whatever is inside me, wherever I would be. And there are so many emotions still inside of me that it would be dangerous for me to let all of them out at once. So I'm doing the right thing with taking my time and let them out little by little. Like this I can direct them towards the right persons. It is important to know who is responsible, so you don't let somebody innocent feel your anger. Althought this cutting off my emotions does sound negative at first, it is actually the best I can do.

The relationship with my mother seems to be the most troubled one. That is probably true. There was this conflict that I had the hope she, who was obviously also suffering under the relationship with my father, would have some understanding for my situation. The fact that this wasn't the case and that she treated me as bad as everybody else in my family, confused me and made me feel even more helpless. It was harder for me to accept that I was devalued by her.

Femininity is also something that I didn't know how to deal with. I didn't have a female role model as such. My mother never used make-up and I think she never really cared about how she looked. So I didn't feel very feminine for a very long time. I still don't like it when women are too girly, all this giggling and talking about clothes or shoes.. But I'm getting better at it, discovering my feminine side little by little. Buying more shoes and wearing skirts :).

Something else is that I feel great in groups. That is true, but it wasn't always like this. I was very scared of groups and people in general. That changed when my self image got better and I build up self esteem. But I prefer to work alone instead of in a group when the result is important to me.

On the other hand the test results about my father are false. The signatures showed that I have a good realtionship with my father and that I always wanted to impress him. That is not the case. I was the one that tried to be as invisible as I could. To want to impress someone means that you seek his/her attention or affection. I just wanted him to forget that I was even there.

The test indicates that I'm very scared of the future and that I am also scared of new things in general. That is also not true. I'm excited about the future and I love to discover new things. Yes sometimes that's scary but in general I think that new things are good things.

I'm not sure if the next point is true or not. My emotional 'problems' stop me from being productive. That's true but only situationally. Sometimes I have troubles studying or concentrating but I still manage to finish as many classes as everybody else and I also work a lot.

I think that was it. To be honest I don't think that the Rorschachtest is something that gives you insights on what is going on inside of you. I guess the fact that P already knows me influenced the results a lot because the things that are true were the things that we already talked about before. I will use the topics as a guidline. Sometimes when I don't know what to talk about I wish that P would just tell me a topic or ask me a question because it is not that I don't want to talk, it is that I just don't know what to talk about.