Anger

Yesterday was the first time that I felt real anger towards my family. After therapy I was churning, so I tried to calm down and feel what was going on with me. I guess you can call it meditation. I was lying down and tried to focus on whatever I was feeling. Here is a post that animated me to do so.

I was angry, angry at my parents and my sister for abusing me, angry at my parents for not protecting me, for not giving me a break of being scared, for making me feel worthless, unlovable and stupid.

For the first time I didn't search for excuses. They didn't know what they were doing. They couldn't act any different because that's how they themselves grew up. NO. Everybody has a choice. How come my mother treated the children she worked with so much better? Being stressed, hating your job and having low self esteem IS NOT A REASON TO ABUSE YOUR CHILD! Abuse can't be justified.

I feel relieved that I could finally feel anger. I will keep on working on it.
The only negative side effect is that my night mares got worse. Last night I had the worst night mare, I never felt so scared during a dream. But as soon as I woke up I was ok.

I love to make progress, as scary as it might be.