Triggers

The last days that I was struggling and being in a lot of pain made me feel litteraly broken, physically and mentally at the same time. Like a glass broken decades ago, halfheartedly glued back together, with pieces missing that I might not be able to find because their lost in time. It made me feel hopeless and alone.

Of course all this was triggered by something but as I mentioned before, it's impossible to avoid every single trigger. There are things that I avoid. Mostly things that would trigger anxiety.

I am shortsighted and I use contacts. Not necessarily because I'm conceited but because glasses are triggering my anxiety. As I grew up in a hostile environment I always had to watch my back. I knew I was in danger 24/7 and I just waited for something bad to happen. Sometimes it came out of nowhere so I felt saver with contacts, because I had a bigger visual field around myself. When I'm wearing glasses I can only see what is going on in front of me without having to move my head. I never use glasses outside of my apartment, to be honest I can't even wear them for a long time while being in my apartment. I use them just before going to sleep.

For the same reasons I don't like it to hear loud music while being on the street. I need to hear what is going on around me. Right now one of my earphones is broken and that is perfect for me. I hear music with one ear and with the other one all the noises that are around me.

I can't handle it when somebody is walking too close behind me. I even struggle with this with persons I absolutely trust. I know this is something I have to work on and I'm really trying.

I can't sit with the back to a door in restaurants and I can't sleep with my head facing the door of the room.

There are also more obvious things I avoid. Movies with domestic violence in it for example. A few months ago somebody made a presentation about spanish film history and there was a decade that spanish film concentrated on domestic violence. We were shown a short scene of one of the films and I couldn't look up. I stared at the floor until it was over because I knew that this would be a major trigger.
But also book passages or blog posts going too much into detail are dangerous.

Something else I feel uncomfortable with to say the least, is light. Too much light and too bright rooms. I don't know if this is photosensitivity caused by my Fibromyalgia or something else. I often thought about a reason for it but I don't know. I just feel uneasy. Not all the time though and mostly at home.

I know I might never get rid of some of these things and that's ok, it does make me sad but it is ok.