Feeling Crazy

Yes, I'm struggeling right now.. Haven't been so close to a depression for some time now and I hate it. I knew it would happen, because it is normal to have relapses (little or big ones) in the healing process. Still I'm not liking this.. I want to be the stable, nice and happy one again..

Instead of that, I'm fighting the little monster again. On Monday I was the lowest and I could already feel this pressure and heaviness in my heart. I was on my way to school and I had to do a presentation, so being on the verge of crying would have been ...impractical. I don't want to make it sound easy, because damn, it isn't. But as I was trying to get rid of this feeling and the irrational thoughts that were triggering it, all that'everything is ok', 'I'll be fine'.. and so on didn't help that much. So I kind of visualized the heaviness and pain (as that damn monster) and told it to emigrate.. :) I know.. where did I get that from? Anyway, that worked.

So this heaviness is gone for now. I still struggle with irrational thoughts and my old belief system though. I know I should  just try to live in the here and now but I can't stop that thoughts from emerging. At least I can stop them from spinning around in my head. I would just like to not have them at all.. what is probably a bit too much to ask after such a short time of being in recovery.

Let's see this from another point of view..
I can stop the thoughts from spinning, that's a huge achievment. I can tell that stupid monster to sod off and it does. I don't bother anyone else with irrational actions or my behaviour.
Doing some good progress here.. now that made me laugh. I feel really crazy right now. On one hand there are these weird irrational thoughts and then I 'turn around' and see it in a totally different way. Weird..:D