I wasn't surprised by my mood yesterday. I know that there will be times I will feel like this. The positive thing is that even though I felt lonely and sad I didn't get depressive. It was just a normal feeling, like probably everybody feels like from time to time.
I'm better today as far as the sadness and loneliness are concerned, but I have a lot of pain. Monday mornings are the worst for me, I start classes very early and they're the type of classes you have to be present but you don't do anything. It feels like a waste of time and it offers absolutely no distraction when I'm in pain. I hate to sit somewhere having pain without being able to do anything about it. In those moments I hate being trapped in that body of mine and I start thinking about how it would be to not have pain. I still remember a day without pain, it's some time ago, but I still know how it feels like.
I love fall and spring.. but yet I hate them..
Today is a day when I miss the time when my painkillers were still working. A day I wish I was born in another body. But also a day I recognize how much strength and willpower is in me and that I should be incredibly proud of that. I didn't miss any class yet, I get up every day to go to school or work, instead of staying in bed crying (what I would love to do right now by the way).
But I also feel that I will need a break soon.. or some morphine.. :)
Sorry to hear your body is struggling so much with pain. But you are a trooper and hanging in there and have every right to be proud of yourself. My mom has pain and gets shots in her spine for it so I understand how draining the pain can be. I wish you all the best...and a little morphine lol.
ReplyDeleteI am truly sorry that you are having such a rough time. I love your awareness in seeing and reflecting on both sides of the medal. I know that isnt always easy. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteYou make me crazily proud. I'm inspired. God bless you! :) :)
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