Role reversals

I don't remember ever being taken care of. I was the one taking care of everything I could, except of myself. It started very early. One can say that my parents taught us early to be independent. They were both working since I can remember and I had to cook coming home from kindergarden. I remember I wasn't allowed to tell anyone thought.

Apart from the responsability that I was given from a very young age, there was the responsability that I was forced to feel. Being blamed for everything gives you the feeling of being responsible for all evil. Never being good enough or deserving of anything. So you try your best being an invisible child never asking for help or protection knowing you wouldn't receive it anyway.

You grow up trying the best you can without it ever being enough. An additional feeling of guilt emerged as I was 3 years old. My sister is about a year older than I, yet I was always the big sister. When I was 3 years old something happened that made me feel guilty for about 20 years. I won't go into details here. It was a situation I was not able to help her in. First I thought I was too scared but the truth is that I was 3 years old! There was no way I could have helped her. Still I carried this guilt with me for a very long time.

In the following 20 years I tried to do everything for her. She got used to me being the big sister and started to expect me doing everything for her. So whenever it was impossible to do so she blamed me for it. Her problems became my problems. And she did get into trouble a lot. Having the wrong friends, boyfriends or just being plain stupid she always ended up being in trouble. Her being in trouble meant me being in trouble. I still don't get the logic of my parents also partly blaming me whenever she did something stupid. For them I was the responsable one, that doesn't get herself into any trouble. Until I was 17 I didn't do anything that could upset my parents, and when I did I made sure they (or anybody else) had no way of knowing. In contrast to my sister, they never saw me drinking or being drunk. I never came home late because I didn't go anywhere except when my sister was there too and then I made sure she was on time and not too drunk.
Once my sister blamed me for not cleaning up her puke in the bathroom. I didn't even know she puked, I was sleeping when she came home. I was bringing her to bed countless times, because she wasn't able to find her room anymore.

When I was 8 she accidently sprained my ancle during a gym class we had together. I was more worried about her getting into trouble than about the pain I had so shortly after that I pretended to go to the bathroom and then told everybody I fell down the stairs. When I told her that story a few years ago she called me a liar.

When I got older my mother came to me with all her personal problems. Well, the ones she actually talked about. I was the one having to give advise. I remember the pressure I was under to not say something unhelpful or 'I don't know'. I felt that I had to have a solution for everything.
I never expected a thank you because I felt it was my responsability to do everything for them and they never thought of thanking me because they learned to take it for granted. The way my sister talks to me and treats me up to this day is a result of this unhealthy dysfunctional relationship we had.

But in fact THEY were supposed to be there for ME. I would have deserved having a mother and a big sister instead of taking over their roles for them.