Yesterday was a busy day for me. I went to therapy in the morning and then I was working until late.
Therapy was alright, nothing new there.. As I have a new therapist, things are kind of repeating. It feels like starting all over again. I don't think it's that bad.. Maybe she's got a better method or understanding.. or makes me see things from even another perspective than my old therapist did. So I told myself to just wait and see where it goes.
We talked about how I felt as a child and about the anger that I was never able to fully express. When I talked about it she said that I talk about things as if they we're far away from me. Well, maybe because I already talked about that many times and accepted the things how they were? I analyzed my behaviour and my families' behaviour. And I am not that person anymore, I changed and there is some kind of distance to the past.. Is that bad?
Then she asked me what I think about the abuse and I said that I think it was absolutely unfair being the youngest and having 3 bigger persons abusing me and that I feel sad about that. Then she told me how she thinks about it and said that it was not just unfair, it was f** unjust and horrible.. yeah she cursed a bit..
Apparently I don't see it so bad that I have to curse.. that got me thinking. Why don't I see it like that? Is it because I lived it and got used to it? Abuse just was part of my life and I had to get used to it to survive it. And yes it sucks to be depressive for 25 years straight but I'm working on it. So it is weird to feel worse about it now that it is over. It kind of doesn't make sense to me..
Today I'm working again (right now actually) but only for an hour more..
A nice weekend to everybody!
It sounds like you have a cool therapist if she can cut through the b.s. and just say something like that.
ReplyDeleteWell, I can relate to your therapits thoughts of you seemingly being so far from what happened. She is right. it is horrible, life shattering and devastating. Having been there myself I can share only from my side - obviously - I think you have improved technically. This past is not yet past... sorry to be so open,. Your therapist seems to be right. not yet the anger broke through... genuined hot anger which makes you feel it is horrible.......truly horrible. Love from my heart to yours. From my little Paula to your Little Hurt One.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can get really mad and angry about it all soon. Maybe, even if you feel like all of this happened to someone else, you'd want to be angry and hurt for them? Try it.
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