A little Crazy

Yesterday turned out to be a good day. Even though my therapist cancelled in the last minute, I hate when she does that. So I had no plan for the day. Sometimes I can't handle it when my plans get crossed, I feel like losing control and get scared of this whole 'empty' day in front of me. Yesterday I felt like that for a few minutes and then I got back in control and asked myself what I would like to do today. It was raining so I couldn't go to a park or for a walk, so I decided to paint. I never painted before, I suddenly had the feeling that I wanted to paint. I went to buy colours and little canvas and started painting. It was fun, and it doesn't look that bad. I'll post a picture of it later (I'm at work right now).
I went for some groceries and bought food without thinking about money. I usually don't do that, food is something I don't like to spent a lot of money on and I buy only cheap things. I'm glad I can enjoy food again. I had an eating disorder when I was younger. I always compared myself with my older sister, I thought that she was so much thinner than me and I just wanted to be like her (physically). When I had to stop swimming 10 years ago I started feeling really fat and stopped eating. I had times when I ate all day and felt so guilty and disgusting. And then I just ate an apple a day. That changed during the last year, now I have two or three meals a day, that are part of my daily routine. I feel better than ever before, my weight is the same all the time, at least it feels like that. I don't even have a scale anymore.

Today I feel a little better. Yesterday I wrote my boyfriend (C.) how I'm feeling lately. We don't talk that often because of the time difference of 7 hours and I never know when he's busy because he's always working all day. I can't wait all day in front of the computer to see if he has time to talk or not. I go crazy. I get really depressive, because I don't do anything else then and focus only in waiting for him. I know that is bad anyway, so I don't even start doing it. Been there..
So I wrote C. that I am struggeling more than before and that I'm having a hard time. I also told him that I know that I'm going to be ok and so on. He didnt answer to that email and now I feel bad about that. I know that he read it and that he probably didn't have time to respond right away and then forgot about it. And that is ok, because I know he cares and loves me and doesn't want me to be bad. If he could he would take all that away from me. He knows that I have to do this alone and he told me he is there for me. And he believes in me. You see I should be more than happy about that! But I feel insecure because he didn't answer to 1 email.. and it was just yesterday that I sent it to him! Isn't that irrational and ridiculous?
I'm trying to tell that to myself over and over again.. let's see if that helps..

So if I get THAT done this can be a good day. Turning around your thoughts is real work. This blog helps me to do so, because when I write down what I am thinking the pattern gets clearer and it is not just something happening in my head. Being invisible and difficult to catch. Here I can catch it and stop it for a second, examining it, change it. Through the writing the positive and the 'should-be-thinking' gets more realistic. It's as if suddenly I can chose to think like that. Of course we always have the power to chose but we don't see it because the old pattern is so dominant and so present. Writing is a good way to get 'out' of your head.

I WANT TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!
.. and I'm willing to work for it ...