Bad brain day..

Oh well.. it didn't work.. I was ok for a few hours yesterday but then I crashed. Now it feels rediculous.. I got very insecure about C. not answering me again and I felt so much anxiety coming up, that I wrote another email telling him how bad I feel about him not answering. I feel so stupid about it now. Of course he didn't understand it and thought that I am angry because he didn't answer. But it's not anger! I tried to tell him but as he never felt something like that, he didn't really understand. So he kept on telling me that he was busy (what I already knew) and all the things that he needs to do and about responsabilities.. Now THAT made me feel angry, because I thought now he wants me to feel guilty about writing him.. Gosh.. my brain really had a bad day there! We ended up talking on the phone and I tried to explain to him that I was just exhausted and was searching for some support by writing him that email. Of course that is not fair, because first of all I didn't mention that in the email. And second it's impossible for him to give me that support right away, he is far away. What was I expecting? That he reads my mind over a 9000 km distance? All I needed was a hug, a shoulder to cry on and rest for a minute. And as I don't have that here I was turning to him.. what doesn't work because ..again.. he's not here either.
It makes things harder because in order to feel supported and better, I have to think about the fact that he DOES support me, I have to believe it and then I can feel it, instead of having the feeling right away... when somebody hugs you, you have that feeling right away without having to think about it before... making sense?

Right now I'm not sure whether we are ok or not.. He told me that I have to find that support inside myself, and I know he's right.. but like I just explained that is kind of difficult when your head is full of other thoughts that you have to fight off too. I was thinking about writing another email apologizing and explaining that to him. But I guess than I'll expect him to answer it again and all this starts from the begining... Yeah.. as you see I didn't lose my humor yet :) So I'm trying to resist the urge to write him.. I'm not sure if I'll make it. Alright, let's think about that out loud..
We talked on the phone, he told me that I have to do it alone, he is supporting me in everything I do and I will be ok. Than he made me aware of the fact that I actually say 'I know' to everything that he is telling me. So C. asked me that when I know all that anyway why do I need him to tell me? Because sometimes I just need to hear it. Because this thoughts are not present enough in my head..When he tells me than they come back to my mind and than yes, of course I know all that. He told me to write them down to bring them back to my mind, because he can't always be there to tell me whenever I need him to. He's right with that. So I'll try to write them down to remind me of all the things that I have and to be conscious about the situation I'm in right now. Then he had to go and we hung up.
I should let it go and not write him, there is nothing to apologize for and nothing that I have to explain. I explained it to him and I thanked him for his help. We're ok.

That was a long post.. but I needed it.