Getting Worse

I´m doing bad..
I have been crying a lot.

Yesterday a friend/student of C showed us a house that he owns and that is empty right now. Which was not a bad idea, as C wouldn´t have to pay a security deposit or anything like that. But as it turned out it is far away from.. anything actually.. And it is not in a safe zone of the city.
The house was horrible. There are a lot of houses around it and the neighbours can get in the backyard very easily, which in Mexico is a very bad and dangerous thing, especially ina zone like this. Good houses in safe zones have fences or walls around them..

Anyway, I had to pull myself together to not start crying, as I saw where we were actually going. Inside the house is dirty and the bathroom.. I don´t see myself taking a shower there, or going to the toilet.. I lived worse before, don´t get me wrong. It´s just that all this time (OK just 2 days) we were looking at houses, C didn´t want to (!!!!) look at anything at that price range.
So he took me only to expensive places, nice, safe houses and zones. And did as if he could afford it. As if we would end up there. I told him, it was too expensive and we should search something cheaper. Then I at least would have a choice now.
But NO.
And now, after telling me how bad that zone was and how he himself would not feel safe and comfortable there, he is thinking whether to move there or to one of the houses we.. well, actually just he saw in a safe zone.

So today he had to decide where to move and now it´s 9pm and he hasn´t told me anything. But of course it will be the bad one. Why do I even expect anything else from him? And yet, writing this there is still a little bit of hope in me.. I don´t get why. He hasn´t ever thought about me in any of his decisions, why now?

I just need to get out of here as fast as I can. But I don´t have any money. K is trying to help me but she can´t really help me with the money problem, or with a place to stay.

So I´m stuck in a one sided relationship with a guy that gave up showering a week or more ago and (thankfully) hasn´t been sleeping in bed since about that amount of time.
He will make me live in an unsafe place without giving me an option. I can´t even tell you how much I regret coming here.

Why doesn´t he just tell me the truth? Why didn´t we go search a place in his fu*** price range?? I am just so sick and tired of him.
Now instead of going home packing he sits here in the office listening to stupid rap music, singing along as if everything was fine. While I´m in the next room crying and hurting.

K also had the idea to search a job as aupair in Vienna, like that I wouldn´t have any problems to find a place to stay. Plus a job. I would do almost anything to get out of here as soon as possible.

I have no idea how I will manage to live in a house like that.. I will be scared every time I leave the house and while in the house every noise will allert me. That will be so much stress for me..
But he doesn´t care. I know he sees it, he told me. But in the end it doesn´t count, does it?

I won´t be able to go home alone in the night, as it is too dangerous. So I will have to stay in the office until C eventually decides to go home. This takes even more decisions from me. It´s as if he decides where I am, when I go home and where I live. Well, he actualy does.

I´m sorry about this rant..
But I also feel a little abandonned here.. My blog got really lonely after me changing the url.