OK, so I had a break down yesterday.
(Actually the day before yesterday, I had to stop writing and kept on going a day later..)
I haven´t been sleeping more than a few hours the nights before. And I had a constant headache from crying, plus feeling sick, kind of congested all of the time.. also from crying.
The day before I left the office earlier, I had bought some books and all I wanted to do was read. Just to have something else on my mind for a bit. So there I was. I already packed all I could pack on Monday as I thought we would be moving on Tuesday.. we didn´t. But I was done with packing up the kitchen and my stuff. When C got home at 1am(!) - by then I figured out that we wouldn´t be leaving that day - he asked me .. well it was less asking me .. his exact words were: But you haven´t been packing anything! So I asked him already kind of mad: What was I supposed to pack? He said: Your things. Well then I showed him my suitcase and backpack and told him: I´m done. And I added: Do you want me to go through your stuff and pack it for you? He didn´t answer to that one.. So I was mad and hurt again. I mean what the f***! He told me a day before that that he would come home earlier and as I was packing the kitchen he would come and pack his stuff. And then a day later.. aaaaarrrrg.
Anyway, so that night I slept on the couch.. uncomfortable and I had the feeling I didn´t get into these deep sleeping phases (I´m no expert but that´s how it felt like).
So I was very tired the next day (yesterday). I had class in the morning and then went home early again just to get some rest. I didn´t get any sleep, because the couch was just not comfortable enough and the bedroom was full of mosquitos, biting me and disturbing me with their humming noise. So I gave up on sleeping and watched some videos. C came home earlier around 9pm and well asked me what was wrong. He asked me before, when I was leaving the office. But I said that it wasn´t the time or the place to talk about it. Then later when he asked again I just said nothing. He accepted that. Then he started packing his stuff. I was so exhausted that I tried to sleep. But I couldn´t. The neighbors dog was barking along the loud music they were playing, C was singing and whistling. After a while, what had to be over an hour I asked him to please be quiet, as I was trying to sleep. I wasn´t able to sleep after that either. I was still trying to sleep on the couch as C had to pack his stuff in the bedroom. But after a while, I got such a huge headache, that didn´t get better even after taking two aspirin. Of course I got it because I was crying again. I seemed to not be able to stop crying. Being so scared of leaving, seeing no sense in going back to such a temporary life again. Without anybody.
I got very dizzy because I was so exhausted and then the headache.. So finally I got up and asked C whether he would finish with üacking the bedroom soon, as I haven´t been sleeping well for the last 2 nights and I really really needed to sleep. I was almost passing out already. He didn´t get that, as he didn´t know about how I have been feeling and how exhausted I was. As he didn´t move or say anything I got mad and went back to the other room. I couldn´t help it anymore.. I was screaming. Just planely screaming. It was all too much for me.
He got confused. I guess now he thinks I´ve gone totally crazy. But I just couldn´t help it it was too much and I had to scream. I already took more than the usual dose of anxiety meds but they didn´t help at all. I then ended up going to bed. But still I wasn´t able to sleep. I wandered around the house, totally dizzy and with the same headache. In the end I slept for about 2 hours, from 6am to 8am. And a little from 9 to 10am. Then C told me the movers would be coming at 11am so I had to get up and get dressed. I was still crying on and of. Got very quiet and had no interest in talking at all.
I didn´t get better until after the move. I took a shower and then thought I should say something to C, because he wouldn´t stop wondering or asking what was going on. So I apologized (not really meaning it) about the night before. I told him that it just all got too much for me. He didn´t ask any further, gave me a hug and said that there was nothing that would be too much for us..
In these situatuíons I feel like I am the whole problem. I know I am not and that my reactions may not be the ones of a normal mentally healthy person, but I know that I wouldn´t be like that without getting all these triggers from him.
One trigger was a few days before when I was packing up the kitchen I went to the roof, where he told me he had boxes to get one. In the boxes he had old documents and letters. And yes I know I shouldn´t have gone through them, but he is lying all the time and I jsut wanted to see something real.
Why the fu** do I even bother anymore?
Well what I found was that in 2001/2 he filled some papers with his age saying 34.. which contradicts, the fact that he told me he was 33 now.. 10 years later.
Then I found a lease contract and a contract for a car purchase. Saying C & M.L. (last name). With both of their birth dates on it. According to that C was born in 67 and M.L. in 72. So now M.L. could be his sister right? But only if it´s true that the birthdate 67 is wrong. As he told me he was the youngest child of the family. Or he lied about that.. Who knows..?
All these things are so not important! I don´t care how old he is, where he comes from or if he has been married.. I do however care about being lied to. Of course that also upset me, but what could I do? Ask him? He would get mad at the fact that I even saw it. And then he wouldn´t answer my question or lie anyway. So all this is wasted energy.
And yes I was just about to tell him what was going on with me, how I was planning to go back to Vienna, how I don´t feel safe with him anymore.. But what good would that do? He would just be denying things, I would get mad, the situation between us would be uncomfortable and weird. I would be under pressure (more than I am already) to find a way back to Vienna.. So no. I decided not to.
When I have my passport and a way back to Vienna, not necessarily my flight but all planned apart from that. Then I will tell him.
I was in contact with a family with 3 boys in Vienna and they were interested in me being their Aupair. But then I stopped hearing from them a few days ago. They asked me how long I would be wanting to be an Aupair and I said: Well at least 6 months (of course I was lying, as they are just an opportunity to get back). They then answered and said that they would prefer somebody to stay for a year. So I lied more and said that I would also stay a year. And then they didn´t answer anymore. Maybe thinking about it, maybe not interested anymore.. I don´t know. I keep on applying for other jobs anyway. And I don´t have my passport yet, so I try to stay calm.
I just hope I don´t have another break down, they just cost me energy and stress the hell out of me. On the other hand it is so understandable that I had one..
I also contacted my old therapist P today. I told her that things are not going so well and that I would be searching a way to come back to Vienna. I also askd her if I could come back to have therapy with her. Yeah she´s not the best therapist but at least I would have someone and then I can still search a new one.
So here I am trying to stay calm, battling with my I´m freaking out-feeling in my brain. When this is all over I need vacations! But who will pay them?..
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