On the Inside

Today I am going to tell you about my drawings

I always thougth that something was wrong with me and that I was the one that is bad and guilty. Because whatever I did was wrong, however I did it was the wrong way, whatever I said was wrong, whatever I felt was wrong..
But it was not me. After a while into my therapy I came to realize that I wasn´t the problem, there was nothing wrong with me. Well now there was. But as a child I was fine, my parents were the ones that were wrong. So I was trapped in this hostile invironment, just like this perfect whole heart is trapped in these thorn tendrils.

This is a drawing about how the environment affected me and my sister. I am different, I noticed that a long time ago. I was just aleays so different from all the other family members. I don´t know why and I don´t know where this difference came from. My family communicated through screaming at each other. They just couldn´t have a normal conversation.. I didn´t like screaming. What doesn´t mean I never screamed. But I always felt bad afterwards, not about them and that I was screaming at them, but I just wished there was another way to get heared. They didn´t hear me when I was screaming anyway, but sometimes I just had these outbursts from all the things I had awllowed for a time. So the dead flower, hanging down symbolizes my sister, who has the same character as my parents. There is no hope for her to change (so I think) because she doesn´t realize it. She doesn´t see. The bud up there is me, growing despite the thorny foundation.. there is still hope.

This is a picture that doesn´t need a lot of explanation. I drew it after C and I had a big fight about my visa. I was totally irrational and he was defensive beyond hope, not wanting to admit any mistake or lie..etc. So he ended up screaming at me. Which reminded me so much of what was happening in my childhood all the time. Just a huge person - here mouth - screaming at me, this little girl. I am already lying on the floor but it doesn´t stop. There is no comfort anywhere and even the floor is cracking underneath my body. There is no safety.

This is what I drew after recovering from our fight. I knew I had to learn to just say stop to myself and think before reacting. Keeping the control, walking away, whatever I had to do to not make the situations escalate and to not let my irrational thinking lead my actions and reactions. It´s a hard thing to do but I found something that really helps me do it. But I´ll write about that in another post.

This one showes me on a sunny day on a road holding a kind of ribbon that was guiding me. But this ribbon is not my friend. This ribbon is something I hold on to like a little child holds onto it´s mom´s hand for guidance. I never had this kind of healthy guidance, but I feel that it is missing in my life because it was never there it is something that I still feel I need. Eventhought I am now 26 years old. So what do I use for guidance? I use other people in my life. I use C for it, which makes this relationship quite a bit unhealthy. So when drawing this picture I was thinking.. but what if this guidance ribbon comes to an end?.. What will this little girl do? Just stop walking? So there she is holding the end of it, looking down the road. The ribbon is wrapped around her hand to make sure she won´t use it, which makes it hard to just let go. But she knows, to keep going she will need to let it go..

This one is about how I lived my life until now. There are two doors. One is the emergency exit, that will just lead me to 2 other doors again, and the other is the real way out. The emergency exit symbolizes my escapes. Starting with Guatemala 6 - almost 7 - years ago. Then to England. Then back to Guatemala. There was mostly a man involved too. I met G in Guatemala and we had kind of a relationship that was more sexual and no being in love was involved. Still I was dependent on him for validation. So I went back after a year. While being there I reconnected with a guy that had taken over my aupair job in England after I left. I never actually met him, but when I was in Guatemala, I was depressed and felt not being taken care of by G, so I started chatting with L (the ex, yeah). He is from Mexico so I was talking about visiting him as I was relatively closeby. I never went there because I considered it to be too dangerous travelling through half of Mexico and then staying with a guy I didn´t really know. But I made an important connection for my next escape. The next emergency exit.

Then I went to Austria to study something I was not even sure I was interested in. I lost contact with G and focused more on L. We were chatting every day and I got dependent on that for validation.. Yes, seriously. Then L was visiting me just after Christmas 5 years ago. Of course we started a relationship eventhough I wasn´t attracted by him, let alone in love. He went back to Mexico, we were having a horrible long distance relationship, which controlled my daily routine, mood and private life. I was focusing only on him. Then I went to Mexico first only for vacations but shortly after that I took a break from studying and went to Mexico for 6 months. Next emergency exit..

After that L cam to life with me in Viena. Then after 2 and a half years he broke up with me. Best thing that ever happened, because I actually took the right way out then. I started therapy. I was taking the hurdles one at a time and got better.

Until my roommate kicked me out 6 months ago. I am still unsure if coming here is another emergency exit I took or was it just a huge hurdle?

I did go to therapy here until I couldn´t pay it anymore and I stoped liking my therapist. I am planning to go back to therapy and find a new therapist. I just need the money for it..

I had my breakdowns here. But I was able to reduce my meds and now I´m off them. I am doing better, having my good and bad days..

I am still working on myself, I am not using C and Mexico to avoid working on myself and escaping it. It was impossible for me to stay in Viena..

So I guess it was kind of an emergency exit I took, but only to take another right way out. Or I might not know it until I know it..

The last picture is about my situation right now and generally about what depression is like. There you are inside your home, knowing exactly what would be good for you and what would make you feel better, but there is a locked window between you and all these things. For me these things are sitting in a park enjoying the sun and reading a book. (A bit difficult here because there are no parks where you can do that, as far as I know and people tell me.) Then there is the pool. I wanted to go swimming for so long but never made it. And as an alternative to the park, there is a coffee shop. I could just go there to read a book. Just to be among people and do something. The locked window symbolizes depression. The window is locked and the key to it is lying on the window pane. How easy it seems (mostly to others) to just pick it up and open the lock. But it is not..