Need to not Need You

I still feel nauseas and get a stomach ache about once a day. So it´s not too bad.
But I feel like crying a lot. Doubting wether stopping my meds totally was a mistake or not.. Lately it is so easy to make me cry. On one hand I like that, because I feel more than before. On the other hand it´s just disturbing.

It´s not going very well with C right now. I think it is also because of the meds. I am more sensitive about things and have to fight off more irrational thoughts. Plus the fact that I am not doing anything fun for myself affects me more.

All that together made me have a little breakdown, if you can call it like that.. on Sunday and Monday. It started Sunday but as I just really wanted to sleep I took an anxiety pill and calmed myself down in the night before it was all out there. I know, bad thing to do.
So on Monday the rest of the emotions came out. Which I considered to be a good thing, eventhough it was disturbing and I am not really used to it anymore. And it started at work. Or actually it didn´t.. I was carrying the emotions all day. Plus the fact that C woke me up cutting his hair with an electric shaver for an hour, next to where I was sleeping.. or not anymore. I am so not a morning person and that just screwed up my day.

Let me tell you what happened..
On Sunday - the only day that C is not going to the office all day - he was just lying lazy on the couch, which is fine. I was washing some clothes and then we watched a movie. Then I asked if we would go to the movies today, because that´s what he said yesterday and well actually we were talking about that for over a week. He didn´t react to that question. He is constantly in Twitter with his phone so there is no talking to him. Which drives me nuts.
So let me summarize it.. all he did was being on his phone all day not responding to anything I said. I just wanted to spent some time with him. But that´s apparently not possible. When I lied down next to him on the couch, he hugged me, but still didn´t hear a word I was saying because he didn´t once lift his gaze from the screen of his cellphone. God I felt ignored. I mean he does that all the time during the week too. Plus when he finally gets home from work - usually around 1am or even later - instead of coming to bed he lays down on the couch and is in twitter until he can´t hold the cellphone anymore and falls asleep. He does that even if he is very tired. So he doesn´t even sleep in bed with me anymore. The only time I actually see him is in the office where he is obviously also always very busy, and well it´s work. There is no private life we share.

Anyway back to Sunday..
So after the movie he was just busy with his cellphone again, ignoring me asking him to go out and telling him how bored I was. Then he decided to go bring the movies back and I again asked him to do something, he just didn´t take it seriously and I got already really bad. He did ask me if I would come with him to bring the movies back. And I was just `what?`. Well it´s not very exciting to do that.. So I said no. As he wasn´t back after over 2 hours I called him, already knowing where he would be. In the office. He then lied to me saying he had something to finish for the next day. I know it was a lie because just before I had asked him if he would be going to the office today and he said no. So there I was feeling really ignored neglected and abandonned. I did tell him on the phone that he seemed to be not able to spent a day with me, doing something.

After that I was just crying. In the night he came back.. yes at 1 am.. saying he was sorry. But well the second his cellphone vibrated he was back on it. So yeah I was still mad.
I went to bed and he of course fell asleep on the couch. Later in the night he came to bed for the last 2 hours of sleep he would get.
Same thing happened on Monday.. he was sleeping on the couch again, today complaining about his neck hurting.. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I am not a boring person. I am fun to be with and I have tons to say, I can practically have a conversation about anything. But with him.. he just doesn´t talk. We do have fun whenever we go out. He just seems to be not interested in it. I don´t really know what to do about that. I know that my reaction was due to the meds missing in my system different than I was dealing with it before, still it is not nice to live like that.

Part of it is because I rely on him as being someone to have fun with and go out as I do not have any friends here. I am here since 6 months and I don´t have one friend here. Also my fault. So what I am planning to do, what I have to do is entertain myself, not only on weekends, but during the week. I have to do something fun (repeating myself huh?). I need to find a book I can read. Need to start going swimming (after my period is over in a week). Need to do something on weekends, no matter if C will join me or not. He is welcome to do so, but I need to not need him for it.

And all that while I am feeling more depressed and soo close to cry all the time.. It´s hard.
I just need to hang in there. I was thinking about trying to be without the meds for at least a month and if it doesn´t work I´ll get back on the last dosis I was fine with. That was 2,5mg Cipralex.
I just need to tell myself that it´s OK. Nothing bad happens. I just have to keep the control.