Houston, we found the Mothership...Oh my GOD!! Houston, we crashed with the Mothership

**THIS POST CONTAINS BAD LANGUAGE AND IS POSSIBLY TRIGGERING**

Alright so here it goes.
I changed my blog address because I don't want C to read it anymore. More than anything I don't want him to read this post.
We had a huge fight on Thursday. About something that I think is not really worth fighting about. And I don't see the problem that made him say what he said.

I'm here in Mexico since about 4 months now and the tourist visa expires in 2 months. So a few weeks ago I asked C whether he could get a work visa for me. I asked him because I am working for him and he told me that he normally does that for all the teachers that stay longer than 6 months. and he does already have a contact to an agent that does it for him. Then after a few weeks I asked him again because I wanted to know what exactly he needs from me, like passport and so on. He then said that he didn't authorize the agent yet to start the process. So I - keeping my cool - asked him why. And he said that he would have to renew his visa too and he doesn't want to give that guy so much money right now. Not making sense to me. But still I kept calm and told him it is not a problem, I can pay for mine.

The thing is that I don't have 2 months left, I also need a new passport as it will expire soon and it will take some time for it to be made after applying for it (not the right word is it?). Anyway it will take about 8 to 10 weeks for it to be ready. And as I am in a different country as Germany I need to proove to the german embassy that I do live here and not just as a tourist. So I really needed that visa soon.
Then he said OK, he would do it now as I am paying it and it would only take 2 weeks until I would have it. Then I already had the feeling that he was not really telling me the truth, but I just thought that there was something else on his mind and thats why he was kind of weird.

After these two weeks passed I of course asked him again about it. That was on Friday. He got really weird first telling me to wait a minute. He tried to make a phone call and then there was this guy that wanted something from him, so he went out of the office, also telling be he would be right back. This signalled me that he would tell me what was going on. Then he came back, sat down and asked me so what happened? I was kind of confused. So I just told him that I asked him a question. (I was still calm there) Then he didn't even look at me, keep on working and said in a voice that resembles a father talking to a child: "Now is not the time". I just thought 'what the fuck?!'. It's not a big issue he could just tell me if it will work out or not right? But he didn't. He just kept on saying that "now is not the time".
That is when my panic started. This is a really important thing for me. It's very important for me to not be illegal in a country and more than anything to not sit here without a passport.
So yes, I got panic. And so I left the room already really upset and crying. I know this was an overreaction, but I felt so helpless. Then after a few minutes I went back to his room and sat in front of him. Telling him that I know when he reacts like that something is really really wrong. Because the last time he reacted like that was when I found out he had lied about where he comes from.
So I was sitting there waiting. And of course nobody likes to be confronted like that I just had no other way to calm myself down. He just kept on working. So I closed the office door and wanted to close his laptop to get his attention, again something that I shouldn't have done but couldn't help it. He then got really mad telling me that this is not a work issue and he doesn't want to discuss private issues at work. I didn't understand that either, as it IS a work visa concerning me also working in the office and I don't see the private issue in this.

Then he changed his approach and suddenly accused me of listening to his phone conversations. I thought he meant that day, as I was still in the room as he had a call, waiting for him to reespond. He said that no that wasn't it and that it was meant generally. And that when he was talking with a teacher it was just him and the teacher and I had no buisiness listening. I had no fucking idea what he was talking about! So I thought that he meant me being in the office working and then a day before that he was talking to a teacher when I interrupted him for a second to ask whether I could use a room or not, because it was occupied before. I thought he was really mad at me for asking him that. As I had NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

So I got very mad because that was what my parents did with me on a daily basis. Accusing me for things that I did not do or accusing me for something that was nothing wrong.
He totally hit the mothership there.
So I was getting really mad and told him that he makes me feel guilty about being in the office working my ass off for things he doesn't even pay me for. (He hasn`t been paing me regularly since April and ows me about 17000 pesos what is 1700 dollars I gues or a bit less) Anyway I don't mind him not paying me as he pays the rent and I don't have a lot of expenses. Just the water, electricity and well therapy. What I was doing the last months was changing the money I brought with me. Not a good feeling. But I am OK with it as I know how difficult his financial situation is right now.
Anyway so I told him that. He reacted to it by telling me :"So why don't you just leave?!". As you can imagine my natural reaction to that was leaving and telling him I would leave totally, not only the office but I would just leave Mexico. Overreaction again but hey he hit the mothership!! I was on automatic driven by my repressed anger and panic.

So I went to the house of course crying all the time. I packed my bags and after a few hours he called me to ask how I was. I was still too mad to respond in any other way than saying that I was leaving him the keys on the table and blabla.. Then he asked me why I got so mad, and I told him that I just wante dto ask him a question. He then said :"And all that came up because of the phone conversation I had last night". WHAT?? So know I knew why he told me that I was listening. Aparently he talked about the visa on the phone and thought I brought the issue up because I was listening! I wasn't LISTENING!! I told him that. I had no idea that he was actually on the phone talking about it. He said that he was sorry if I got it like an accusation. ??? What else was it then?

I then remembered that the night before just before we left the office he closed his door, what was very unusual. I just thought that he wanted to not be disturbed and just left it at that. I was watching a series on youtube anyway and didn't really want him to know that.. So after that chapter was over I went to his office knocked at the door and asked him if we would leave, because usually he has a class late at night and he was already late for it. So I asked if he had the class of if we would stay. As he never tells me beforehand when we are leaving. And I need to turn off my laptop and that takes a while. I just don't want to make him wait for me.

So let me tell you what I think about that.
I think he wanted to hide whatever was going on with the visa from me that's why he closed that door and then got very insecure about me asking him about the visa.
It was just a stupid coincidence that I asked him a day after that. Because he told me it would only take two weeks until I have it. What did he think that I would just forget about it?

Anyway, so when he came home that night (Thursday) I was already exhausted because I cried so much and was apathetic. He didn't really bother talking to me and did everything else. He washed his clothes, showered, and then he kept on working on something on his laptop. I went to the room where my clothes are in, took an anxiety pill and slept on the couch, only covered by a towel.

The next day he just left to work without saying a word. He called again during the day and I asked him if he even knows why I am upset. He said yeah that is really obvious. I knew he didn't know so I said it again. I am not upset about the visa, I am upset because he accused me of listening to his phone conversation (and becasue he lied to me, that I didn't tell him). He then asked me again.. you didn't listen? AAAAAAAAAahh, so he didn't believe a word I was saying! I WAS NOT LISTENING TO YOUR FUCKING PHONE CONVERSATION!!!

Then he said that we should talk in the night (at least I remember that he said that). Anyway so when he came home I tried talking to him. I explained my reaction and why I said what I said. I apologized for everything. Then I asked why he was accusing me of listening to his phone conversation. Maybe I should mention that during all this he was lying on the couch with his eyes CLOSED. So he said that accusing was not the right word.. Fuck it, my mothertongue is not english but I do think accusing IS the right word. So nothing came form his side. No apology, he didn't even admit that he was wrong and shouldn't have accused me of something like that. He didn't say a word about why he did that. There he was just lying there letting me take all the guilt. I felt horrible and he didn't react to my apologies at all. What he said made me even feel more guilty. In the end I felt like the worst person on earth.

This might be the triggering part..
I went to the 'my' room again took another anxiety pill and then it started. I had suicidal thoughts. For the first time in 10 years!!! I didn't just think in it, I actually made plans!! And all because C made me feel like I'm the worst person on the planet. I was thinking of jumping of the Tec100, which is a probably the tallest building here in the city. Then I thought what if I can't get to the roof? So easier and less scary would be taking pills. Just OD. The thing is I didn't have enough pills as I was reducing the Cipralex and there are not a lot anxiety pills left. So my plan was to check into a hotel, get to a few farmacies and get pain killers. Here in Mexico you don't need a prescription for them so that would have been very easy. Then I wanted to lie in bed in the hotel room watch TV, just fall asleep and never wake up. My suicidal thoughts were NEVER that real! I tried to calm myself down telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end if I just keep on believing and fighting. But it didn't work. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up in the morning C was leaving to work. I still had the suicidal thoughts. I was thinking of just leaving and going back to Vienna but I felt that there was no strength left in me. I figured out that studying is really not what I want to do. I can't have this temporary life. Moving, studying, working in a job I don't like just to make money.. All that will have changed again anyway. Maybe I would have to move a few times, change the job.. and so on. I can't do that anymore! I moved so often during the last 4 years that I am so tired. I had 17 jobs in my life I didn't care about. Just to make money. I can't do that anymore. And well studying is definitely not a permanent stage.
Bottom line: I HAVE NO STRENGTH LEFT IN ME.
So the only way I saw was to kill myself. It hurt so bad that I couldn't go on anymore. I took my anxiety medication just like the day before to get some peace. It gave me a few hours of sleep, but the second I woke up I was suicidal again. In the night when C came home I tried talking to him again. Apologized again, explained again. And well all I got was :"Well then you have to control your anger." Really?? Thank you! Wouldn't have known that..

I took another pill and went to sleep. The next morning (Sunday) I thought that we would be better. No idea why. He had breakfast and then was just about to leave, when I stopped him and asked if we could talk. I asked him if he still wanted me here. He then said that he doesn't have time to talk and that he had to answer to people. He couldn't just use his time like he wanted to, like me. Again that hurt telling me whatever I do was not important enough. Or not as important as what he is doing. Even if this is like that you don't say that to make people feel less than you. I then totally broke down and cried really hard because he just told me that work was more important than our relationship.

He hesitated for a moment then said he was sorry and that we would talk in the night and left. I knew that we probably wouldn't talk in the night because he would be home really late and would have class early the next day. So I was devastated. I took another pill, Now I could hardly walk because I hadn't been eating for the last 3 days. Before I fell asleep it hurt so bad that I was lying on the couch screaming out for help. I slept for 3 hours and then I decided to go to the office because I realized that I really needed help, and there was nobody else to turn to.

When C opened the door I told him that I know that this is probably the worst thing I could have done but I just really need help. I told him about the break down, that I am taking anxiety medication again but that it doesn't really help. I didn't tell him about me being suicidal, that's also the reason why I do not want him to read this, I just don't want him to know about it.

For him what I have is not such a big issue. He told me that I don't need to let the anger out, I just need to 'process' it. To just dust myself up and get on with life. If that were so easy. He also told me there is nothing wrong with me. That I just have to let go of the past. Well you all know these sentences.. I know that was supposed to make me feel better and help me, but ... *sight* you know the answer to that..

Again he didn't mention anything about Thursday. He told me for him that is done, he doesn't even remember what happened.. That is such an easy way out isn't it?
Well I just left it at that taking all the guilt and responsability for what happened.
We are OK for now. I just don't really know how to deal with things like that in the future. I will definitely try to control my anger and maybe there is a wonder and he will see that he can actually talk to me. Because to be honest I wouldn't get mad if he would just be straight foreward with me. Telling me when things happen withour hiding them.
I'm not a bad person.

So this was it. My few days in hell. I do worry a lot about this suicidal thoughts that I had. Because I had no idea that I could ever feel like that. When I was 15 I tried to kill myself for the last time and then saw that it's definitely not a solution and that I didn't want to do that.

I need somebody to talk to.