Bad Wondering Week

Gosh, it seems as if I haven`t been writing for ages.. I was working, having bad day after bad day last week and I find that I really don't want to write when I feel bad.

There were a lot of hurt feelings, misinterpretations and fights with C. In all honesty I wasn't exaggerating when feeling hurt. That did happen before a lot but this time I wasn't. Yes, I react stronger and am more sensitive about things because of what I went through and because my mental state is not the most stable right now.

Let me summarize the topics for you. I felt not heared, strong reaction because I was never heared. He seemed to ignore any of my efforts to start a conversation, by being very evasive about everything and then telling me that he was the one trying.. I felt really frustrated at work. I didn't really feel like anything I was doing is ever going to be uselful. Plus a misunderstanding that I thought what he had told me before I was coming here, what I would be doing in the office was just something he didn't mean. That point however wasn't cleared, at least that's how I feel about it. But I can live with that for now.

So you see it was a really bad week. I did get slightly depressed during all that, however I didn't let myself dive in totally. All this did make me think about keeping on taking my medication for a while longer.. don't know.

I am still having lots of dreams at night and I have difficulties getting up. The pain is coming and going just as the weather changes. I figured out that now I also feel the wind coming, not just the rain or the heat. It hasn't been raining here eventhough it is really really - and I mean really - hot. It just got really windy in the evenings from time to time. It's as if I could feel the rain sitting up there in the clouds not wanting to come out.

Last night I haven't slept.. well maybe an hour or two. I just couldn't stop thinking about work and a lot of other stuff.

Something else I wanted to write about was that during that bad week I had I also started thinking about my grandmother and how difficult it must have been to deny her identity. I wrote a while ago that I discovered that she was in a concentration camp (Auschwitz). And I have no idea where she actually came from. My family - I also mentioned that a few times - is full of unspoken secrets controlled by my grandfather. So there was no way of asking them about anything, and there still isn't (not just because I have no contact to them).
As a child I never questioned where my grandmother came from. I thought she was German. I knew my grandfather isn't, he is Hungarian but I knew my grandmother wasn't. So as nobody mentioned anything I just assumed she was german. I always thought that she had a weird accent when she was speaking, though. But how would I have assumed that because of her accent she wasn't german? I never heared her speak another language. I never heared her talking about another country or her family that wasn't living in germany. She had a lot of family but they also never spoke about that.
I don't know her maden name so there is no way to find out about anything..
So I am left wondering..