The Last Nightmare and Stuff Nobody Needs

Today is one of those days.. I woke up feeling very tired and weak. It was a piece of work to get up. After taking a shower I had to lay down again. I had to sit down brushing my hair and I couldn't dry my hair because the blow dryer was too heavy. Staying at home would be a bad thing because I´d probably get bored and depressed, eventhough I don't have a class until 7pm tonight. So I put on some shoes - yes that's right I am actually wearing shoes today.. I thought that I'd better, because I might be very clumpsy today and my feet won't forgive me another bloody toe.

I did have troubles getting up for a while now and I'm wondering if it is the last nightmare I have every night. I have nightmares during the whole night but it seems to be the last one that makes it difficult to get up and that leaves me exhausted and weak.

The nightmares come at certain times during the night. The last one is always between 9 and 11am. But before it, it is also really hard for me to get up. Less then after the nightmare but still really hard. I feel as if I haven't slept enough and it's probably true because I don't get a good night sleep having that many nightmares. Anyway so I thought of getting up before 9, I don't think I would feel worse then I do at 11 or 12.

It does sound as if I sleep a lot, but I just never feel awake. CFS mixed with nightmares is like mixing sleeping pills with sleeping pills.. and taking them after waking up.

There are more things I wanted to write about.
On the weekend I thought about all the places I lived in before. All the apartments, rooms and houses. I moved many times while living in Vienna. And in all those places I never felt comfortable. I thought about the fact that I never seemed to have stuff. You know what I mean? Look around your apartment, house or room. What of those things you see are yours? Whenever I did that I didn't see any stuff that was mine. Except for the last room I rented. Here, when I look around there is nothing that is mine. Not even in the room I have my clothes in. I have nothing. I came here with only my clothes and two books. It's a strange feeling. I know that C expects me to see things as mine too, but it's just not the same.

Yes I could go and just get stuff. But there is a problem with that: I don't need anything. I don't buy things I don't need. I don't like things that just stand around getting dusty. I must really like something  - that is useless - to buy and let it get dusty.

When I moved here I got rid of so much stuff I didn't really need. And I found out that I really don't have an emotional connection with any of my stuff. Well except for three things. One of which I brought with me (a tiny flower-like thing, that's black and out of a leather kind of fabric.. great description hm? :) but thats how it looks like, a totally useless thing. But I had it for almost 6 years now. A child gave it to me last time I traveled through Mexico.) The second one I bought about 9 years ago in Cuba when I was on vacations with my parents. It was a flower carved out of wood. It broke while I was packing and getting rid of my furniture just before leaving Vienna. The third thing is a little monkey that smells like vanilla, I bought it in England 5 years ago and it still smelled a few months ago. I have no idea what happened to it. I thought I brought it but I can't find it.

So I guess I will have to wait a few decades to get some stuff that makes me feel more at home..

Now I think I forgot what I wanted to write about.. There were just too many things..