I had therapy today and I talked with P about the trust issues I have and I asked her why she never said anything before. First we changed the therapy situation because during the last week I understood that one of the reasons I was not able to show any emoton in therapy was that I was lying on the couch and P was sitting behind me. For me it is very important to see the person I am talking to in fromt of me. I need to see her posture and face to feel comfortable enough to show my feelings. When she was sitting behind me it was as if I was talking to myself and well I never do that out loud, so that was uncomfortable. I need to see her emotions to feel that it is OK to show mine.
P didn't tell me before because she said that she wasn't sure about what was going on with me and why I can't show emotions in the sessions. I do understand that, but still think she should have said something before. Anyway, now we know.
Today she also told me that she actually things that I should not go to life with C because I am stopping therapy. I told her that I am not stopping therapy, I just won't have her as a therapist. She said that I need to have the same therapist for a long time and I should not change therapists. Well even if I won't go to Mexico (that's what I mean by the other side of the pond by the way) I would only stay here in Vienna for about a year more to graduate and then I would definitely not stay here. So, that change of therapists will happen anyway. I guess she thought that Vienna is the city I want to live in but that was never the case. It is a great city to study in but not a great city to actually live. It's hard to explain why but most of the students do think so as well. I guess it's the people, the low chances to get a job and it's expensive.
And I don't know if I will feel good enough to come back in a year, I don't know how I will feel about my studies. I only know that now I can't do it anymore. It's all too much and I should definitely not take such a decision right now. I will think about it and I will do whatever feels best for me.
I am in complete agreement about needing to see the face you're talking to. Great job you did in telling her that!
ReplyDeleteAbout a change of therapists, I'm wondering now. Maybe she'll miss you when you're gone to Mexico. :) That's sweet. :) :)
Hmmm. Well you need to be happy, and if that means moving away, then so be it. I don't personally think she should be telling you one way or the other what you should be doing. She's not there to make decisions about your life. It makes me cross, because you are feeling low and vulnerable, and some therapists can be quite controlling. You follow YOUR heart, MT, not hers.
ReplyDeleteAlways listening xxx