Flicking my Fingers.. and nothing Happens

I've made a decision. I'm going to go and live with C. It was really hard to make a decision but I know that this is the right decision for myself.

I still couldn't relax thought. I still haven't slept through one night. And I still can't stop thinking. Now instead of thinking about a solution I'm thinking about all the things I have to do.
I didn't understand why I still couldn't stop thinking but now I see it. After having so much stress during the last week and a half it's obviously impossible to just flick my fingers and start relaxing.

As P said I built up a building with bad statistics that had to come down sooner or later. What balanced it was my amazing ability to repress and the fact that I told myself that as long as I can retreat now and then from everyday life to work on my mental health I'll be fine. But recovery is nothing you can chose to do now and then. Your mind doesn't stop working because you have to do other stuff. So when my retreat, the place I could feel comfortable in (I admit, that was just the case when my roommate wasn't there) was taken away from me the whole structure collapsed on my head and I could finally see how unhealthy this is. Still I felt that I could do it. I had to be strong all my life and always in an unhealthy way without taking care of myself. I was just so used to do things. It didn't matter how I felt about it. Something had to be done, I did it. I was like a machine on automatic receiving orders from myself.

There is something positive about having such a rational and fast thinking brain that can't stop working before solving a problem. P told me that in those situations it's a great thing because I can think of all my options at the same time sorting them out. Those thinking processes can be great but are also a back door for A.N.T's and my old believe system. And they are so exhausting and hard to stop.

I'm off today so I'm really really trying to relax. I just don't know how to do that. I should give it time, I know.. I'm trying.