Battling

I was just about to go to sleep right now. I turned off the light and then it happened, I had this heavy feeling again. It got harder to breathe and I knew that something was up. Today was actualy the first day after all the stress I had that I was able to relax and feel lighter. I worked on my PTSD today and I was so relieved. I will post about the important insight I had another time because this is something else now.

Eventhough I know, really really know that I took the right desicion for myself, to put myself first, I suddenly had the feeling of being a failure. These are the last days of University, on Monday I will have my last class and last exam, so it is normal that this feelings are coming now.

Right now I'm having a battle with my old believe system. It tells me the same thing I was always told. I'm worth nothing if I stop going to school. I am useless and a coward for not seeing it through. My mental health? That's just an excuse.. I'm a liar and a very weak person, because I'm not doing what I am supposed to do. People go to school, they study and then they get a job. They don't stop studying because of something like 'mental health'. Everybody has problems.. that doesn't mean that they stop what they are supposed to do... and so on.
And that's all BULLSHIT! I know it is, and yet I am fighting against the feelings of guilt that these thoughts plant into my brain. For the last hour I told myself over and over again that these are lies. But I still feel that I don't believe myself when I say that. This is the worst feeling of it all. I know what is true and what isn't but I still can't make that feeling go away. I can't stop that automatic negative thinking. So I had to come here. I had this urge to write because until now writing gave me the power to overcome these thoughts and feelings. Maybe when I write down the truth I will believe it again.

First of all, it is true. I can't keep on doing what I was doing for the last almost 4 years now. D told me, P told me and I know myself that not even a healthy person would be able to keep up the stressful life I had for long. Yes, they would probably just need a little break and then they could keep on going. But I can't. I can't take a break from PTSD. I can't take a break from being in pain (emotional or physical). I can't take a break from having nightmares, anxiety or my old believe system. What I need is me to take care of myself. Not part-time, not on the weekends but whenever I need to. I know that this is impossible, because there will always be times when I can't but here I can sometimes not even do that for weeks.

To be able to admit that this is too much for me is not cowardice, it is the hardest thing I've ever done. It requires a lot of strength and courage to do so. I tell you what cowardice is: Living in denial is cowardice. Doing as if nothing happened and just keeping on going with you life. Repression is cowardice. Escaping in the 'nothing is wrong, I'm just having a bad day'-corner is cowardice. Doing what I should do instead of doing what is the best for me is cowardice. I'm not a coward! It takes a lot more strength to face the pain then repress it. My old believe system is telling me the reverse. I know where that comes from. In my family it was a sign of weakness and crazyness to show emotions. Emotions were only used to manipulate and for emotional blackmailing. 'What is she crying about now?!', was the sentence I heared whenever I dared to cry as a child. So what I learned was repressing my emotions. That was what everybody did. That was the right way to do it. It is not the right way for me.

I am more important then anything else. I won't risk my health anymore. This battle with my old believe system is the perfect example for how hard it is to face the past. How hard it is to identify the lies and replace them with the truth. Imagine someone is suddenly telling you the sky is pink after all the years that you believed that it is blue. You can't just accept that it was wrong to believe that it was blue, your brain can't just stop thinking the way it did. And you will probably never forget that you thought of it being different. I know that this is not the best example, but hey, it's late.
I lived with so many lies that I have to do all this many many times. It does get easier with small lies, but the ones that told me who I was, or better who I am/was supposed to be seem to be cast in cement. And eventhough I KNOW they are lies, I can't just stop believing them.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how often I tell myself the truth, I need something stronger than my thoughts or mind to believe it. I need it in writing. I need it to be out there somehow. Out of my head and for me to see it. It's like the proof that this is the truth. It makes it touchable, real.

This helped.. I hope I can sleep now.