What if You reach out and Nobody is helping?

 It's freezing here.. I'm at work and it takes ages until the radiators get warm. Well the radiators are warm but the office still isn't :( So I thought I'd get warm writing..

Yesterday was my first therapy session after a month's break. This time I didn't really have the feeling that it helped me in any way. It was weird, I was talking a lot, P was writing a lot, but I had the feeling that if she would just say what she is writing it would be a lot more productive. I have to mention that to her next week. I don't just want to lie there talking, I want her to go all freudian on me and tell me what she hears when I talk. And as the University I go to to have the sessions is the 'Siegmund Freud University' I think I can expect that to happen.

Therapy was always something I knew that I needed. I might not have admitted it and thought that I needed it for another reason, that I needed therapy because something was wrong with me (true so far) but I also thought that it was my fault that something was wrong.
I did see a psychologist once in hospital just after being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, because there is a high chance of it being psychosomatic. I was scared to go there because I knew there was something wrong with me, but when I was there I felt the urge to tell him something.

He asked me about my relationship with my parents, school and so on. And I did tell him that my relationship to my parents was not good. At first I didn't tell him what exactly was going on, but then I told him about the physical abuse. At that time I wasn't aware of the psychological abuse yet. He told me to come twice a week for as long as I was in hospital, so just for 3 weeks. I did go there and I felt a little spark of hope that he might get me out of there or help me in some way. I cried a lot during the sessions. In the end we only had 3 sessions and as obvious as the fact that the illness was caused by psychosomatic reasons it never appeared in my file. How I know that? I read it. (We all read our files, there were ways to get them..)

I was devastated. And again I felt that I'm just imagining it all. It justified what my parents did in a way that made me feel worthless all over again. It told me that in reality I was the problem, I was exaggerating and a bad child of even thinking that my parents were doing something wrong.

I don't know why he ignored the facts. Maybe he didn't want to deal with it, maybe he didn't have the balls to deal with it. But how can you sent a child that is obviously being abused back to it's abusers? How can  you devalue all of it and do as if nothing happened? How could he?
I'm mad at him for devaluing me, I'm mad because he gave me hope and than didn't have the guts to stand up for it. Why does a person like that chose that profession anyway?