Me and the mirror

Ok.. I went outside. I remembered that the next two days I won't get a chance to go grocery shopping so I went to get some stuff. I was walking through the supermarket like a little sick zombie yawning all the time. :) must have looked funny. I could call a coleague to ask if he could work for me tomorrow, but I really really need the hours. I just hope there's not a lot to do tomorrow.. but as I know my boooring job there probably won't be.

Today I take this time to write about things that I wanted to write about before but there was always something else I wanted to say.
I never thought of myself as good looking or atractive.. I had to learn to look at myself in a different way. I just always saw this little hurt, fat, ugly and very very sad girl in the mirror. Only looking into the mirror made me cry a lot of times. I felt ugly because nobody ever said that I'm not. I felt fat because I compared myself with my sister, I saw the pain I had inside of me through my eyes. I thought if I could just get there, get to that little girl and help her. I wished for someone to come and help me and I didn't see that I could do that myself. The first time somebody told me that I was pretty, I was 17 years old and of course it was a guy. We were on holiday and in the night we (my sister and me) were sitting around at the hotel with other young people. I never forgot what that guy said to me.. of course he was totally mistaken, but he didn't know me so that's fine. He said: 'You're so pretty, you really don't have to be shy.' Well, I was not shy I was depressed, feeling uncomfortable and anxious. I just went there because my sister wanted to go. Of course I didn't believe it, but that was the first time somebody actually said something like that. During the following years I heard stuff like this more often, without believing it. Then there was a time when I started believing that others believe that, and I got my self esteem from being with guys believing that. I didn't believe any of the things they told me, also friends started telling me good things about myself. But I didn't believe any of this until I started therapy.

I always felt ugly, but there is one thing that still sometimes comes back to haunt me. When I was around 14 (?) I started getting bad skin, not acne or anything that severe just the normal pimples now and then. As I was self harming I tended to open them up until they were bleeding and getting big. Then it was horrible for me to go to school. I can't remember how often I stayed at home and didn't want to go out of the house because of a pimple on my face. Let's face it they weren't that big.. they just felt huge. And I tried to be invisible so the feeling was: how can I be invisible with that huge thing in my face? Sometimes i still feel like that when I have a spot, but I just get outside and wonder that nobody is running away screaming..:)

I remember the last time I looked into the mirror seeing this little broken girl. It was the day my ex L broke up with me and I felt that I now really had to face my past and my mental illness. When I am really honest I never loved L, I just needed someone to be there someone that was thinking about me how I should have thought about myself. I know this is cruel towards someone that loves you and I won't ever tell him. In the following months I started to get help, getting another image of myself. I started to love myself and see all the good things about myself, my character, my life. Now when I look into the mirror I see a beautiful, strong, adorable woman. Yeah I know how that sounds.. But hey, that's not how I expect others to see me, just what I see. Eventhough I see all that, I'm still often wondering why guys keep staring at me.. mostly when I feel bad. I think the inner feeling has so much to do with your own body image, I don't change physically over night but still there are days I get back to that 'ugly-feeling'. I don't however get back to seeing that little hurt girl anymore. What I'm really glad about.

I remembered this because today I feel like crap being sick and I went outside without make-up and brushing my hair and there was a guy that tried to flirt with me in the supermarket. Maybe he needs glasses.. I should have recomended him an optician.. ;)