Knock knock...

Who's there? - Depression.

Having a weird feeling right now.. I just wanted to write C about how I feel, about the little step foreward I was making during the last days.
Then my room mate showed up, I thought she was already gone for the weekend. It's not that I don't like her, we just don't have anything in common and I would rather live alone.
But it's too expensive to do so. So I'm always happy when she's gone and I can do whatever I want, cleaning up after myself, not cleaning up after myself. Dress, not dress. And I don't have to wait my turn for the bathroom. And an important one.. I don't get waken up early when I don't have to work.

Well whatever.. now she's here. That and the fact that I seem to have more difficulties with my emotions than I thought.. I already knew that it is triggering for me to wait for C to have time to talk. But now I think it is also triggering to write him and talk to him. And, of course it is! There are feelings involved and I feel vulnerable and I opened up to him. I love him and that makes me vulnerable. It's ok to feel like that. And yes it is triggering, writing him makes me miss him more because i can't just talk to him, I have to write when I want to tell him something. That is hard. But it is the situation we're in right now and I accept this situation. Accepting it doesn't mean I can't feel sad or bad about it. But I wish it wouldn't be a trigger..

I know this is something that I can do. I just have to take care of myself. I know it can even become less triggering with time. All this has nothing to do with the relationship, I know that he would think it does if I told him, but it doesn't. It is just the emotions and thoughts that trigger one another like a domino effect. And I'm working on it as much as I can.. like right now. this is not just a purge of words coming out, it is a way for me to order my thoughts, calm them down and learn from it. Feeling better already.