I really try to not think in anything else than studying right now, but that is kind of difficult. I did study a lot today and am now unbelievably tired.
Something else is going on in my head though. And I know that one so well. I'm being insecure again. This "I'm doing everything wrong", "everything is my fault".. and so on. I was brought up like that and it's what I was taught to believe. This time it's more the "Everything I do is wrong" thought. About what? This is weird.. because I know C is going to read that eventually. Yesterday I told him about this blog, I wanted to do that for some time now. The reasons I haven't were that I don't want him to worry about me when I'm having a bad day or lot's of pain or something like that. And another one was that I was scared. Yes damn scared. Thinking that when C reads this he'll run away screaming.. (no, that was just my mental image) I thought he would discover how crazy I am and that would be it. I know irrational, ridiculous and all their relatives.. including 3rd cousins.
So with this post I'm getting rid of these thoughts for the time being.. I guess I'll be repeating myself here, so I hope you don't get too bored..
Hugs to you. I remember this feelings very well. Only lately it started to change. Opened up a complete new way of feeling and thinking, yet it amazes me every day agin as -like 2 years ago - I would not have thought this possible. Independent on which stage on your road you are, it is ok feeling down, upset, insecure. And it is ok to overcome these feelings again. And no I do not think you are barking mad. I think you are strong woman finding her voice and working towards your true self you were supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you must be feeling. I was raised in a household were I too felt the same way. I still have to remind my self, yes even at my age, that I do know what I'm doing and if I don't who cares. As for the C, don't sweat it.. I was dating my husbund for 5 years and I was not having any challenges with my bi-polar and then wham out of no where I'm having issues. Well he didn't run srceaming for the hills and we have been together now for over 17yrs. So what I can say is if he runs make sure you yell BOO really loud and scare him, lol, if he doesn't then realize that there is something about you that makes him want to be there.
ReplyDeleteNow go study so that you can change the world.
Lots of hugs to you, be kind to yourself ok.
Everyone gets these thoughts all the time and then, they realize that they're just over-critiquing themselves. Relax. We're listening. :)
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