SERIOUSLY?!?

OK...
On Friday I talked to C. I told him that he is not investing anything in this realtionship. He just lives as if I weren´t there. Of course he got defensive again and then he didn´t say anything anymore. I went to bed.
Yesterday I only went to the school to teach my classes and then I went home.
He didn´t come home that night. Of course I couldn`t believe it after my telling him now twice how lonely I feel and how much I did want to go out and just spend time with him. Without me begging him.
And there he was, in the office all night. I called him at 2am and he said he would be right there. Then at 4 am I called him again because I couldn´t just lay there anymore. i wasn´t able to sleep because I was so sad and felt alone in this relationship.
When I called him again, he got really defensive and mad at me. He told me how important it would be that he works and that he told me that. I did tell him it wasn´t about him working that much, because it really isn´t. It is about him not even investing time in this relationship when he is NOT working or actually not doing anything.

Then he started blaming for the fact that we don´t go out or have any conversation not concerning work. He said: But you don´t go out! You don´t like to go out! But you don´t talk!!Are you f*** kidding me?? I am dying to go out!! And I am the one TRYING to talk to him all the time and he is ignoring me while playing on his phone!! AAAAAAAAAAAAhhh That really hurt and made me mad. Oh and he said that I would just want company..
Yeah right.. I LOVE his company, I love the fact that he is there ignoring me.. can´t get enough of it!

It´s not about not being alone all the time. By now I can handle it a lot better. It is about feeling ignored and lonely WHILE he is there!

I did something bad though.. I just wanted to knock myself out and took a half of my anxiety pill. Normally I just take a quarter and only when I am really bad. So I was eventually falling asleep. I woke up around 8am to take my antibiotics (bladder infection) and then slept until 12pm. All normal until then. I got up and washed my clothes and then went back to bed. I was out again immediately. And it was a really bad sleep I got..
Once I was half awake and wanted to take my clothes inside, because I thougth they might be dry already. I wasn´t able to get up, or totally wake up. I heard noises and saw somebody in the room. I wanted to wake up and get up but I couldn´t. I guess that was a dream but God it was more like a halluzination.. I guess the pill didn´t go well with the antibiotics..
Then a bit later it started raining very havily and that made me jump up and get the clothes in. I was so on drugs! It was a horrible feeling.

As I wasn´t expecting C to be back until late at night I wanted to go out and do something. I couldn´t stay in the house anymore. But I was still so drugged. Or well I know I didn´t take a lot so.. I felt so drugged I couldn´t be up. I lay down again but I really didn´t want to fall asleep anymore. After an hour or so I got going. I had my ED breakfast.. meaning I had two little packs of crackers.. I know.. I know..(good news is that I am actually sitting in a café right now eating a yummy cheese cake and having a huge cold chocolate with lots of cream..)
In went to bring movies back I rented on Friday and then struggled with going to the office or not, because blockbuster is just around the corner. In the end I decided to not go there. Good decision.

Then I walked a bit and took a bus to kind of mall.. don´t know what´s it called. It´s outside and there are a lot of shops here. And a cinema. I checken how long the cafe would be open and then went to check what was on in the cinema. i didn´t find anything good because all of the movies are doubled. Meaning really bad.. It´s always the same 3 people doing the voices so it really sucks. I decided to see the Pitufinos.. forgot what´s it called in English but you know these little blue things that are living in the woods.. It will be in spanish too but they normally make cartoons better than normal movies.

The reason I want to go is I just don´t want to be in the house. I didn´t want to be in the house when C comes back. I just don´t want it anymore. He would just do as if nothing hapened, ignoring me again.. So, no thanks.
He called me an hour ago because he got home earlier than I expected and oh no... I wasn´t there! Idiot.. He told me that he worried and that he brought some pizza.. hm, great.. that´s it?

So yeah I am not rushing home. I am just not in the mood for it. I`ll go to the movies at 10:30pm, meaning I will be home late.
You know what he said?? You are alone drinking coffee? What´s going on in his head..ARE YOU KIDDING?? And when I told him I would be going to the movies too, he said: you are going alone to the movies? Is he retarded or something??
WHAT OTHER OPTION DO I HAVE, DUH??

He just doesn´t take anything serious does he?
I did say what other option do I have? and he said: Oh, come on!
SERIOUSLY?? What the f** is going on in his head??

Anyway he said he´d be waiting for me.. hm, great.. What for?
Alright they´re going to kick me out now.. it´s already 10pm.