I just wrote a comment on Jen´s post, and it made me realize something..
.. talking about not taking care of oneself.. I´m going to be working tomorrow and I´ll probably stay at the office all day. Sunday I´ll lay around the house listening to my boyfriend enjoying his hobby (playing music) and doing nothing like always..
Thanks.. by answering to your question I just realized how much it bothers me that I don´t have anything like that to enjoy.
Damn that bothers me!
I just want to DO SOMETHING with my weekend. Or the days I don´t have a lot to do.. which is almost every day.
I want to go swimming. I want to have friends here! I want to have a hobby that makes me forget everything around me. I want to lose myself in something. I want to smile and be happy all day long. I want to do exercise, take walks and enjoy the sun. I want... so many things.
And there is always an excuse why I can´t do any of that. I just read another blog The Litterbox Revisited and there is a post that just says it all.. read it yourslef: Depression is...
In this posts.. I always add at the end that I will be trying harder. But when?
Right now I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms again. Yes, I took medication against the nausea and cramps and I feel OK. But I also feel my stomach being very uneasy.
Yesterday another teacher that is working here in the school asked me What do you do in your free time? I had no idea how to answer that question. Seriously, my mind was blank. I couldn´t think of anything. I however realize that I am (after this withdrawal symptoms are gone) I will be off my meds, no anti-depressant that helps me staying upright. I will have to do something to not fall back into this old depression-not moving-thing.
Sometimes it seems as if it was an excuse to take the meds, so I don´t have to do anything active against my depression except going to therapy or write or being more self-reflecting.
But now what?
As usual I will tell you - more telling myself - that I will make more effort as son as I´m off the meds. Believe me? I´m not sure I do..
...and at the same time I feel I can.
My T, I thought you had gone quiet but you are not appearing on my blog roll :-( I am definitely following you, but I just thought you were having some time out. Humph. I will catch up. :-) Pixie
ReplyDeleteI have caught up, but may have missed bits along the way. I wanted to know why you gave up the antidepressant. Did you feel it wasn't working for you? I have just started the same one. Work in progress. I am sorry about your nightmares which are still happening. Must be awful. I certainly still have significant dreams, but not so nightmarish any more. Must have been one of the drugs that I am no longer on. I am thinking about you. Happy about your visa and your laptop. I just need to work out why your blog is not appearing. I shall think on it. In the mean time, hugs from me. x P
ReplyDeleteWorked it out! Did you change your address? I've got the right one now anyway. You are back on my blog roll. (You don't have to publish all these comments! Sorry!) x
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