Parent Wanted

I'm in bad shape. I was OK during the weekend. And when I say OK I mean I was not good but I made it through the weekend without having a teary breakdown. I managed that with self-parenting, it was very hard work but I made it.

Today I was planning to be busy eventhough it is a holiday in Mexico, so I wanted to go with C to the office in the morning. But he told me that he was only going to have a meeting and that's it. Well I already knew that he would be staying longer at the office, he always does. And as I knew I am really tired and the self-parenting got so much more difficult I wanted to come with him because I knew that in the end I would have to take a cab if I wouldn't. Anyway so he told me to stay at home and that he would be right back after the meeting. As I knew that won't be the case Ifelt really bad about him telling me to not come. I know this is ridiculous. So I stayed at home trying to be OK. Then C called me that he would stay longer.. surprise. And I started to feel bad again. I got really restless because I thought.. actually I don't exactly know what I thought. Or well I do know but I am even ashamed of writing it here. I felt rejected and kind of left alone again. I was stuck at the house without really anything to do and really low self-parenting skills.

I am able to stay at home alone for a day or two but I think this had something to do with not actually making the desicion of staying at home. I was just kind of put in that position and eventhough I knew it would be bad for me I let it happen. Because that's what I think should be normal. Why should I be in the office on a holiday? Why should I even be in the office when I don't really have any work to do? So I'm trying to be normal ignoring the fact that right now I do not have the needs of a normal person. And on top of that I feel like I'm a major bother for C. Sometimes I wish someone else could take over and parent me instead of myself. Because it is not fair that I have to correct the mistakes my parents made. It's not fair to have to build up a totally new belief-system all by myself. It is not fair that I have to tell myself that I am safe and OK every second of the day because they couldn't be there for me.

But there is nobody that can do this for me even if they'd try. I'm tired but I don't have another joice as to keep fighting. Because in the end it will all be worth it. At least that's what I hope.