"I Know"

This is what I am saying a lot... because I do know. This referes to PTSD, therapy and the way I should handle it. It is nthe reaction I have when somebody tells me something that I should do or think. And yes I do know whatever they tell me, because most of the time it makes sense.

So yesterday I had another teary day. In the night C and I talked again and well he told me all of this things that are so true and that I know about. The problem is that I know it only when I hear it. Weird yeah..confusing for others (especially C) yeah.. frustrating for me yeah..
I know I should do things for myself, I should go do something fun, things I enjoy and LIVE. But I don't. And as I know you know why I am glad I don't have to explain why I am feeling just uncapable of doing them.

During the last weeks (almost 5 now) I was mostly concentrating on my PTSD because that was actually the reason for moving here, stoping to study and giving myself more time and space to breath. So I was/am just so obsessed with dealing with PTSD that I forgot to make myself happy. I felt myself running out of patience with all this. I just can't wait to get better, I can't wait to get rid of the symptomes and just learn to live with the past. I was switching priorities. Back in Vienna therapy and getting better was my number one priority, yet only theoretically. I didn't have the time and space to work on it as much as I needed and wanted. Here however I concentrated only on PTSD. Instead of having a balance, where there are moments that I can forget about it and then having moments working on it when it is needed, I focused only on my thoughts, feelings and my mind.

I just discovered yesterday, thanks to C, that this is not good either. Have I ever said that C isn't a big help?.. Scratch that. I was so wrong. Yes, I know everything he can possibly say to me, but I need to hear it anyway. I need to be reminded of it and I needed him to open my eyes to the fact that my life was dominated by the PTSD. Dominated by the impatience of getting better. Dominated by the eagerness to fix my brain. In that process I forgot to be happy about all the little things that I could be happy about in Vienna. The sun, the sound of the wind in the trees the colour of the trees, and all the little silly things that I could laugh about being childish. I forgot how important this part of therapy is. I forgot that there are other things than dealing with my disorder. And by making myself happy and allowing myself a break from fixing myself I'm actually helping myself more.

Having patience with myself is not something I am known for.. Patience is a bitch I do not like. We just don't get along. What doesn't mean I can't accept that it has to be there. (anthropomorphizing a little here... plus I learned a new word ;)) Living with patience, just as I have to live with the mosquitos, cockroaches and uneducated nonstop barking dogs here. I don't go aroung killing those dogs either (I think I am allowed to make an exception with the other two..) so why kill the patience? At least it's not barking, right?