My nights are getting worse. I just had about 7 nightmares last night. Every nightmare about another topic and with other people in it. It is exhausting and I feel as if I didn't sleep at all. I think I know why I have so many nightmares.
I am still trying to figure out how to deal with my PTDS here. When I was living alone I could theoretically deal with it whenever I was at home. -Except that there was my room mate, so I never felt comfortable enough to do so.
But the weekends were always the days I could let go and be sad, angry or feel the grief. I had the whole day to do so.
Here I don't know..
It seems that I have a strong urge to be busy and distracted all the time. Maybe because I am afraid what happens when I am not? I don't know. At first I didn't even see that I have that urge but yesterday I understood it.
During the week I am busy and distracted. So what happens on Sunday is that all the emotions come up and I start crying. That would be fine and it is really good that this happens but then there is C. I want to spend time with him but the thing is I can't do both. When I am having these moments that I just let my anger out -mostly through crying- and well my sadness, he tells me to stop crying because he doesn't want me to cry. From his point of view this is an absolutely normal request. For him crying is something bad and sad, you do when something is hurting you or making you sad at the moment. But for me this is vital to be able to work through my issues, fears and grief. I did tell him and I keep on telling him that, but it is just hard to understand for someone not suffering from PTSD.
So whenever thta happens and I have some time to cry I do it and when C then comes to me I stop because I want to spend time with him. The problem is that after going that deep into my feelings I am not very able to socialize. I feel numb for a long time because the emotions are so strong. So I am never really able to really end the process of grieving or being angry or whatever I am working through. I have the feeling that I repress a part of the emotions that want to come out and that is not good at all.
The good thing concerning the PTSD and C is that I am more open to the emotions that are coming to the surface. As I am emotionally open to him it is so easy for other feelings to be triggered. It gives me a lot of material to work with. Actually C is the one that is triggering these emotions, what he says, what he does, the situations that are developping on a day off. However this is nothing bad. Not at all. It is just showing me what to work on. And in contrast to 6 months ago I recognize the A.N.T's and the wrong believe system that is behind it and I work on it for myself instead of getting mad not knowing where that emotions come from.
I know I could just do that during the week but I am scared and I also don't know if I can let my emotions come out on command. So this is my problem right now. C is my trigger (so to say) but I can't finish the work I start when he is around.
Another thing is that I sometimes don't feel validated by him, because he just doesn't understand. It does hurt but as much as i explain it it doesn't change. I am trying to see past that and understand that he as so many others just can't validate something they don't understand. I know that what happened to me was horrible in every single aspect there is and that I can't just let it in the past. I did that for so long and look where it got me. I think it is the most important thing that I validate it myself.
Yes it is sad to not be able to really talk to C about all this and whenever I tell him something I have the feeling that he tries to make it smaller as it is. What is also understandable, I don't know if he could cope with it if he really knew what is going on inside of me and how much power the emotions have that I repressed for so long. Again I don't think that anyone knows how it feels that never had to feel it.
As for the nightmares he always tells me that 'that's normal' and that I am just sacred. Again, yes it is normal to have nightmares, but 7? Honestly I just don't think he gets the magnitude of all of this.
I am getting tired of explaining. I should just take the time I need for everything I need. I just have to figure out how because as I am still adjusting I also really need a routine and I need to feel that I am useful and that I am doing somthing.
Maybe I'll stay at home tomorrow and see how that goes.
Crying is a normal thing that women need to do. In your case, it will be more often. I hope it is a release of sorts. Somehow, you will need to try to get through to C. that you need this time and that it isn't about him. Tell him it is a healing for you.
ReplyDeleteMen rarely "get it". They are programmed to fix things. Make sure he knows he doesn't have to fix you but rather to give you space (or hugs, if you want that.) BTW - You need to learn to validate yourself. You know your feelings are true and real. And you have every right to feel them. Peace.
You are doing such an amazing job at understanding yourself and exploring your emotions. I understand that it is challenging, but yes sometimes we do have to schedule our PTSD. Hang in there because I know that you can do it and once you've had a chance to get a routine in place I hope that things become a bit easier. Be patient with yourself, you've just made some major changs in your life.
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