Finding the Pieces

I don't know how to start this post.. I do feel better, my cold is wearing off and I finally took the exam that I was postponing for so long. And I will definitely pass it this time :D (I failed it once before). Now I'm done with the exams because I will have to work tomorrow and the exam on Friday was cancelled. There will be some exams I need to do next month, but for now I'm done.

I had a really hard time to go to sleep at night. There was a memory that came up and didn't let me sleep. It was more the things I couldn't remember that kept me awake. At first I wasn't sure if it was a real memory because it was just this feeling. It was not a specific place or event that I remembered, just this feeling.
A few months ago my therapist told me that she thinks that I might have been sexually abused by someone and that I repressed that memory. There were certain signs in my behaviour when I was younger that indicate that. So I knew that there could be memories and feelings that could come up any time, day or night, or not at all. I didn't search for these memories because I knew I would go crazy trying to find out whether something like that happened or not.

So I had this feeling a few nights ago and nothing else. As much as I tried to sleep I just couldn't stop wondering where it came from and I was searching for a memory that fited to the feeling. The only way I could fall asleep was taking a pill, well I took 1/8th of a pill because I knew that they're really strong. After a few days I switched to tea because it gave me an uneasy feeling to take a pill evey day. Like that I stopped digging for something I knew I wouldn't discover while trying so hard.

Last night, I guess because I could relax after taking THE exam and knowing that I would pass it, the feeling came during the day. But I still didn't know where it came from until I was lying in bed trying to sleep. This memory is not something that I never remembered, I remembered it a few times in my life but repressed it again and again because I didn't know how to deal with it and I didn't even understand it. The last time it came up was a long time ago, probably more than 10 years.

This is what I remember. *possibly triggering*
When I was around 7 I witnessed sexual abuse. I don't remember a lot of this event and I won't go into details here. What I remember is that my sister and I were playing from time to time with other children in our street. It was normal to enter other childrens houses in the same street, to play in the garden. The abuse happened in a basement in one of the houses. The girl that was abused was a little younger than me and also living in the same street. I don't remember who abused her or what exactly happened to her, but the little I remember already tells me that it was sexual abuse. And the feeling I had was that I wanted to run away to leave but I couldn't. I don't know if it was shock that prevented me from leaving or if I was forced to stay. I don't remember who else was there, I'm not even sure if my sister was there too or not. I don't know if that happened to me too. I didn't understand what was happenening then. But I did know it was wrong and I remember feeling ashamed when I went back home. And every time I remembered this I was ashamed and repressed it again as fast as I could. Last night I didn't, I recognized it as what it was. It was sexual abuse and it was wrong and horrible. I cried for a while being afraid to remember more, afraid to remember that it happened to me too, thinking of that girl, hoping that she is ok wherever she is.

It was hard being alone while remembering this but I am glad I did. Knowing the truth is important. Seeing things as they really were is the only way that will free me. Whatever happened was not my fault and I didn't and don't have any reason to feel ashamed about it. I didn't know it then but I know it now.
I know the pieces that are missing will come with time to complete the memory. And I will let them.