The little girl on the outside

I've slept really bad the last nights. I'm always tired when go to bed and fall asleep really fast but then I have really restless nights. I wake up many many times, when I'm sleeping I have bad dreams. And I feel really tired in the mornings. I do have some pills I took at the beginning of my therapy, to calm down and have a good night sleep, but I'll wait another night before I take them.. so BRAIN, last chance.

Yesterday I cleaned the apartment again and ...drum roll... I cleaned my room! I discovered that when I don't have a lot of time to do something - I had to work in the afternoon - and when I really have to do something - my room mate came back in the evening - I do it without having to tell myself that I have to.. trying to persuade myself to do it... and then not do it anyway, and feel bad about it later.

Even work was fun yesterday, I wasn't working alone so it wasn't that boring. I found a small tennis ball and just started to play with it, throwing it against office door jumping around like a little girl. My colleague probably thought I'm crazy, but I really didn't care. I was busy playing :)
I'm 25 but I look a lot younger.. people normally think I'm between 16 and 19 (not sure, but my theory is that it's because of the medications I took from the age of 15-19). It's really hard sometimes to get people to take me seriously and when I behave like a little girl it doesn't really help.. But I just have to behave like that sometimes to satisfy that little child inside of me that had to wait so long to come out and play. So f*** other people, this girl needs to play!

Today is not such a good day, but a good one. I was planning to go to the doctor and then pay my study fees and pick up a book I ordered at a bookstore. I didn't really have to do all those things I have plenty of time left.. After the doctor I just didn't feel like it anymore, I just wanted to go home.. it felt a bit like hiding, so I'm not that happy with myself right now. The feeling that I just can't do something sucks..

At home I painted again and now I feel so tired, the pain is coming back, the weather is changing more often- fall is here.. yipee.. so I won't go swimming tonight. Let's see how I feel tomorrow..

<3